Satire

Editor - Ruairidh Macdonald
Email - satire@thegaudie.com

All opinions expressed in the Satire section are written primarily for the sake of comic value and therefore do not necessarily represent the honest views held by the author, The Gaudie, AUSA or any company which advertises with the Gaudie.

Oct 19
2 min

Karen on Facebook Outage: Where will I get my misinformation now?

The recent crash of all of Facebook’s services left Karen more worried about the secret truth of COVID-19 and cat videos than the control...

Oct 18
2 min

Matt Hancock on UN role: I promise I won’t make out with anyone else

This statement comes after the United Nations decided to no longer pursue his appointment By Harrold Saxton "Matt Hancock donates...

Oct 9
2 min

Don’t Even Think About Using These Incredibly Useful Websites!

An actual photo of a student accessing a single page pdf for their upcoming essay, so horrible By Harrold Saxton "Anonymous Hacker" by...

Oct 8
2 min

Campus Architecture Soars To New Heights Of Horrifying

In an extremely rare sighting, the only joy that has ever been associated with the MacRobert Building. By Dwayne B. Utcher "365: day 301"...

Sep 22
2 min

Boris Johnson on gas price shock: Some of you may die, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make

Boris Johnson, seen here remembering that hand sanisitiser is flammable and getting an amazing idea By Harrold Saxton "Boris Johnson...

Sep 15
2 min

The Plight of The Student

Security at ATIK seen here preparing their vaccine checkpoint for Welcome Week By Marcus Wadland "German Mentors Help Strengthen Afghan...

Aug 5
2 min

Hungarian Political Class is Again Being Unfaithful with LGBTQ+ People and Reality

Queer people of Budapest are on their way to talk to their exes in Parliament By Jakub Ivanecky "Budapest Pride parade"by Joost (formerly...

Jul 19
2 min

COVID-19 Government Update: "Third time's the charm, we promise!"

The latest vaccination centre implemented in the UK, seen here in Westminister. When asked, the landlord said that they are thankful the...

Jul 6
2 min

Gaudie Magazine Special Edition: Ask Dr. SexyEdits!

Here to help, regardless of being invited or not! By Dr. SexyEdits "Selwyn Toogood's Beauty and the Beast"by Archives New Zealand is...

Jun 29
2 min

Vatican Breaks Political Silence for Pride 2021

Thousands gather in hopes of hearing a reversal of church policy on the LGBTQ+ community By Sam Johnson Photo by Luis Cortés on Unsplash...

Jun 24
2 min

Home Secretary Supports Footballers Taking the Knee Under Special Circumstances

Home Secretary Priti Patel, seen here personally checking the immigration papers of people of colour just hours after proclaiming racism...

Jun 21
2 min

Booming Maturing Industry on the Irish Sea Border

A driver is very pleased with the current ruling as they managed to pick up on crocheting their spouse left them to finish. By Jakub...

Apr 1
2 min

EXCLUSIVE: Gaudie News Editor sensationally quits after argument with colleague

Oldest student newspaper in Scotland (according to the Guardian) rocked by explosive argument

Feb 5
2 min

"Everything fine" Declares University Senate

Students reassured and return to role as fee paying drones. image source: 30 seconds in Photoshop article by E. Norma Scock The...

Feb 2
1 min

Defund Everything. New Campaign Emerges on Campus

Image source: idc Article by Autusi Parry | 02/02/2021 Give us our meals deals back. A new pressure group has emerged on campus with the...

Dec 5, 2020
3 min

Geezer feathers nest with Uni’s £119,000

Seagull Principal’s principles questioned by Wagril Slane Illustration by Jake Roslin Seagull Principal’s principles questioned Students...

Nov 25, 2020
2 min

Aberdeen City Council leaders win Nobel Peace Prize

In a highly anticipated move, Aberdeen City Council leaders win Peace Prize for ‘ending factionalism worldwide’

Oct 19, 2020
4 min

Vegan proteins to impress your lesbian now-ex with

I'm so sorry Martha I promise I can change

Oct 10, 2020
3 min

Gordon Battle censured for trip to Welsh chip shop

A senior campus figure challenged regional Covid-19 travel and household mixing rules by making a flying visit to Wales.

Sep 30, 2020
2 min

Virtual Fresher’s Week "up to our usual standards" - AUSA

AUSA is congratulating itself on its pandemic-prompted 100% online Fresher’s Week which “saved [them] a bloody fortune"

Sep 25, 2020
1 min

UoA Alice and Minerva Appreciation Society reaches 2 million members

This is the first year the society is running.

Sep 17, 2020
1 min

“If I cut the caffeine, then I’ll be fine,” says Woman During Plague-Recession-Climate-Catastrophe

“If I just cut the caffeine from my diet, then I can get my life together,” said Lynsay Brown, on break from her zero-hours retail contract.

Sep 10, 2020
2 min

University Corruption Rankings: University of Aberdeen makes top 10 in the UK

Vice-Chancellor praises “significant team effort” of Senior Management Team and promises huge banner outside the Arts Lecture Theatre

Jul 6, 2020
2 min

Sir Ian Diamond caught pretending to be a golden statue of himself

The Former Principal was found standing perfectly still outside Marischal College.

Oct 19, 2019
2 min

The student plant craze is overgrown

by Mónica Ferreira image courtesy of Milivanily via Pixabay It has dawned upon university students that they are going to be adults for...

Oct 14, 2019
3 min

£500bn bridge to solve campus Brexit Woes

by Wagril Slane image courtesy of Jake Roslin A massive new concrete bridge is to be built to connect campus to the European Union after...

Oct 14, 2019
2 min

Library architect admits "Practical Jokes" in building

by Wagril Slane image courtesy of Jake Roslin The renowned designer of the Sir Duncan Rice Library, Henrik das Bleistift von...

Mar 20, 2019
2 min

Pineapple Does Not belong on Pizza

A Belated Rebuttal

Mar 20, 2019
3 min

This Year’s Sabbatical Candidates

An Aesthetic Overview

Feb 12, 2019
3 min

University IT warn of new 'Fishing' scandal

by Wagril Slane Students getting hooked. Aberdeen University computer boffins have made an urgent appeal for vigilance after a new...

Feb 12, 2019
3 min

Majestic Breasts and How to Grind Them

A review of the porn parody of “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them”

Jan 31, 2019
2 min

Resolutions

by Snap Bickerman The arbitrary splitting of the 364 days where the time is not yet ripe for folks to resolve to, say, stop peeing out...

Jan 31, 2019
1 min

Run Macron

Ah, the yellow vest, the uniform of the working man. Bear in mind that he’s French though, so by the working man, I mean he starts his work

Jan 31, 2019
3 min

NEW PLAGIARISM DETECTION SYSTEM CRITICISED BY ACADEMICS

Students and academics are branding a new Aberdeen University regulation "insulting", "draconian" and "a bit silly". This is the announcemen

Jan 31, 2019
2 min

Alien life 'may' be spotted by May's telescope

The rock guitarist turned astronomer Dr Brian May was back on campus this week to unveil a revolutionary new telescope which has been buil

Jan 31, 2019
2 min

Concerns Over Haggis Production

In the aftermaths of Burns Suppers across Scotland there has been renewed concern for sustainable sourcing of the principle component of the

Jan 31, 2019
2 min

The Night Life of Aberdeen

A Brief Study

Nov 26, 2018
2 min

MedSoc Students’ Drunken Fiasco Surprises All, Except Medical Students

A group of medical students, who wish to remain anonymous, have expressed regret at recent events wherein the MedSoc ball members ran thro

Nov 19, 2018
3 min

AUSA Do Boring Survey About Boring Cafe

AUSA have announced that they will be carrying out an online survey into what students want from their cafe, Union Brew.

Nov 19, 2018
2 min

Seagull Aims To Be New Rector

A leading campus seagull, Roger Oeuf, is bidding to be Aberdeen University's first avian Rector.

Nov 19, 2018
2 min

Football thugs smuggle Apache attack helicopter into Dons game

Pittodrie stadium, normally a place of peace and tranquillity, descended into boorish madness last weekend when a Boeing AH-64 Apache attack

Nov 2, 2018
2 min

[No.] Easy Tips For Every Not-Quite-Human

It’s October, and that means high time for those among us that are only partially, or not at all human.

Nov 2, 2018
2 min

The Common Enemy: 9 a.m lectures

Halloween is coming and so I’m pulling the monster from under the bed.

Nov 2, 2018
3 min

Devolution Would Cause Metaphor Loss

Warns Minister

Oct 26, 2018
1 min

Kilau Theft

Scotland’s No. #1 Uni Subject to Least Competent Criminals.

Oct 15, 2018
1 min

The Christian Union Absolves Guilt

Of those that attend their events for free food with no intention of converting.

Oct 15, 2018
2 min

Young People Drinking Less Than Ever

A recent survey has found that one in three young people are turning their backs on alcohol and opting to get mashed off their face with ke

Oct 15, 2018
1 min

The St Machar Bar is “Just better than the Bobbin”

Declares brooding humanities student.

Oct 15, 2018
2 min

University of Aberdeen Top of the Table

Aberdeen is celebrating its first place in a newly published university league table.

Oct 3, 2018
2 min

Jamie Oliver’s Classist Eton Mess

A British Favourite!