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  • Writer's pictureSatire

Finally: New Oil Rig Construction in Antarctica

Drill, Baby, Drill! 

By Marlee Silverman

Photo Credit: jplenio via Pixabay

Antarctica, the chunk of ice at the bottom of Earth, may have just gotten more interesting. The frigid seventh continent, known for being useless to humans, finally has a purpose: oil! At last, the icebergs in Antarctica have melted enough to squeeze an oil rig in there. An Aberdeen Oil and Gas Company, Huge & Massive Oil, has realised this untapped market exists and is taking the initiative to pump out that beautiful, silky smooth oil. 

This new oil rig will provide Aberdeen with a massive boost to the economy. In addition, it will help to speed up global warming, allowing for even more oil rigs to be set up in Antarctica in the future. This will boost the economy even more. In a year’s time, the city will most likely be able to afford forty-seven more CO-OPs, a car for each citizen, and the University of Aberdeen might even decide not to destroy the language department. The possibilities are truly endless. 

There are a plethora of other possibilities that the oil rig may bring. With more people travelling to Antarctica, railways, airports, and resorts can be built. And what’s most exciting about this? The possibility of a new waterpark, of course. All that newly melted ice needs to be put to work and there’s no better way than using it to create a waterpark for guests. And yeah, there would be a flume ride and lazy river, obviously. 

Huge & Massive Oil did say they would be pouring excess oil directly into the ocean just for the fun of it, but this has been met with unexpected, yet strong support. As one advocate on Twitter said, “we are just happy to know that for once, a company is being honest to the consumers.” This is the general consensus among all ages, who are tired of dishonest companies. All people want is for businesses to tell the truth, so this is seen as a commendable step for the oil company. As of now, even Greta Thunberg has been silent on this issue, probably because she also really wants the Antarctica waterpark. 

If everything goes to plan, we could soon replace all of Antarctica, the lacklustre piece of ice, with a continent composed of oil rigs. One day, we even dream that the boring, plain coastline of Aberdeen can be filled with gorgeous oil rigs, bringing in wealth and happiness. This would be such an improvement from those wind turbine eyesores. With these new developments, we may not have much time left on Earth, but the love and joy an Antarctic oil rig can bring is eternal.


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