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  • Writer's pictureSatire

Peace in Our Time! (Violence Prevails)

Private ConscriptaSmith

By Josh Brown


Photo Credit: Wikimedia


In a recent attempt to de-escalate fighting in the region, the British government has decided  to tactically strike targets within the grounds of West Bromwich football stadium in order to  protect the free trade of half time Bovril. Shockingly, the bombings have drawn the ire of the bombed who are in turn bombing us more than they were before. I’m sure the cycle of  violence will peter out and this will not spread the conflict further afield in the region to  Birmingham city or Villa Park. 


Has the 21st century’s lack of great power conflicts been boring anyone else? I mean Iraq,  Afghanistan and Libya were cool and everything, but the stakes were pretty low and let’s be  honest they weren’t really fair fights. It’s about time that we throw young men and women  of this country on the altar of ultimate sacrifice once again.  


That’s right I’m proposing WW1 part 2. Enjoyed the trench foot and artillery strikes the last  time? Well, in the sequel we’ve got the Maxim gun and rifles from the 19th century… wait,  there are also some new things like FPV unmanned drones. FPV stands for First Person View,  or my face when I’m seconds away from being turned into a gaseous state.


Europeans have been too comfortable for far too long and most of us no longer remember  what it’s like to be turned into a fine red mist or puddle of jam while cowering in a damp  hole. Now you and your friends can face an early retirement at the hands of an Iranian made  drone the price of a Volkswagen Polo, or better yet a North Korean shell packed with  sawdust and communism.  


The Ukrainians and Russians have got a head start but it’s not too late for us and the rest of  NATO to run headfirst into the infinite meat grinder of an awesome European war.  


The problem with conscription, however, is that generation Z are feeble and hopeless  compared to their warrior ancestors from days of old. All they know is, be bisexual, eat hot  chips and destroy western civilisation by not biting migrants in the street like any true patriot would. They don’t even know how to dig mass graves, effectively bludgeon their conscripted  counterparts with an entrenching tool, or understand the complexities of material attrition.  However, the significant amount of “reported slaying among generation Z is promising.” 


Are we doomed to repeat our mistakes till the end of time? No, I think under the astute  leadership of Bor… Liz… erm Rishi Starmer that we will avoid a pointless imperial war that  would see unparalleled bloodshed with nothing to show for it. As a nation we should just  decline in peace and stop pretending that we are the empire we once were when the last two big kerfuffles kicked off.  


The best way to honour the dead within the war is not, as many believe, to wear a poppy for a month while you hawkishly drool over the thought of future war. It is instead to make sure that their sacrifice is not forgotten and was not in vain. We do not honour them by killing and dying, we honour them by living. 


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