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Postmaster General Puts Hand in Blender After Excel Spreadsheet Malfunction

New Horizons 

By Josh Brown


Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons


The year is 2034 and prisons across the UK are overflowing with sub-Postmasters found  guilty of crimes against letters. Information provided by a credible and functioning as  intended accounting software has condemned Postman Pat and even his black and white cat  to the Royal Mail gulags.  

The currency of the United Kingdom has been replaced with stamps and the Postmaster  general makes weekly announcements about changes to the rations and reads the lists of the  newly condemned to the nation at teatime.  

In their luxurious oak furnished office, the postmaster general polishes their CBE before  being interrupted by the ping of a notification. They rush over to their desk to be greeted by  an alert from the Horizons system which faithfully reports the wrong doings of the  underlings. This time however, there was something strange… frightfully strange. The system  displayed categorically that the Postmaster General themselves had been cooking the books  and fleecing the almighty Royal Mail Group Limited!  

‘This must be a mistake’, thought the Postmaster General. But they remembered that Horizon has not once in its entire service made a single mistake. After all, computers can’t make mistakes, it’s all ones and zeroes. A shiver ran down their spine as they realised that they were already convicted. A sham trial would be arranged but it would be a drumhead court that  would condemn the perpetrator with one hundred percent certainty.  

‘The Post Office is never wrong’ the Postmaster General says as they begin to convince  themselves that they must have been stealing all along. ‘I mean the computer says so’. They  scribble an address on their forehead and paste a stamp to their cheek, then they glumly climb  into a comically large post-box never to be seen again.  


__________


This is, of course, fantasy. The higher ups at Royal Mail or Postmaster General would never take responsibility, regardless of how many people they must throw under the bus.  

Fortunately for us in reality, the government of 2024 is taking swift action to free and  compensate the wrongfully accused postmasters and postmistresses who were tormented and  harassed by the post office and other groups. 

Sunak, taking a break from bombing stuff halfway around the globe, (one of the UK’s  favourite pastimes) has promised to pass ground-breaking legislation to overturn criminal  convictions in this historic miscarriage of justice. This swift action only comes nearly a  decade after the scandal first broke and after government ministers became aware of issues  with the horizon software and possible illegitimacy of the prosecutions.  

It was of course pretty rapidly thrown together as the airing of the ITV programme ‘Mr. Bates  Vs The Post Office’ saw the scandal rise to the top of the political agenda. It is good to know  that TV shows are now dictating government policy. It’s clear that ‘Succession’ has been a  blueprint for Tory party internal politics for the last few years now. Political forecasters have  suggested 2024 will be ‘Black Mirror’ inspired by a dusting of ‘Alan Partridge’.

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