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  • Writer's pictureSatire

Severe Consequences for Being Mean to Elon Musk

Tesla Invents Gun That Only Shoots Those Who Won’t Be Elon Musk’s Friend

By Marlee Silverman

Photo Credit: jensenartofficial via Pixabay

From the makers of the Cyber Truck, comes the all new Tesla Gun: Friend Edition. This first of its kind self defence weapon will only allow users to pull the trigger if an enemy of Elon Musk is detected. To be safe, the gun has a setting to detect friendship. According to Tesla, friends include anyone who has praised Musk in the last three months, bought the cyber truck, has a shrine to Musk in their home, or giggles and twirls their hair while thinking about him. Enemies include those who still call X “Twitter,” have criticised Musk in the past five years, or anyone who wouldn’t buy a Tesla if given the opportunity. A source close to Musk tells us, “Teslas are the best cars ever and anyone who doesn’t want one is a loser anyway.” 

If no enemy is found, a screen will pop up on the gun that reads “friend detected.” However, users have been getting occasional errors in this system, causing the screen to read out “bootlicker detected” instead. This error should be fixed shortly according to Tesla, though no timeline has been given. 

The gun has a unique design, with a trigger that retracts into the grip for a more sleek look. In addition to friend detection, the touch screen also includes the ability to play music so users can feel as if they are main characters in a movie. Critics of the weapon have noted that there is no safety mechanism on the gun. This is clearly an oversight on Musk’s part, though he has not admitted to it, stating “main characters and friends of mine don’t need safety.” It will not be fixed. 

Some might be wondering why Elon Musk feels the need to have this “anti-meanie gun,” as those on X have started calling it. What many don’t realise is as a genius, billionaire, and ladies man, he has many haters. It can be lonely at the top and even the most perfect men in the world need a shoulder to cry on. 

The Tesla Gun: Friend Edition is set to officially be on the market by June 2024, but new gun prototypes are already in the works. This Includes the anti-poverty edition, which will help to eradicate poverty around the world. It will only allow users to shoot those who make under a million pounds a year. 

The invention of the Tesla Gun marks an exciting new endeavour for Elon Musk into the world of self defence weapons. In the future, these weapons may be integrated into Tesla cars and even into SpaceX. In Musk’s hands, self defence weapons will take on a whole new life and will propel us into the future – as long as you’re his friend.


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