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  • Writer's pictureSatire

The Dreaded Day of Love is Here

Cupid Really Missed His Mark With This One

By Khreshnee Thayabaran


Photo Credit: Designecologist via Pexels


Valentine’s Day. Historically, this day was coined from that one 3rd century Roman priest, who expressly went against Emperor Claudius’ wishes to ban marriage due to the fear it would make men bad soldiers. St Valentine married people in secret, however, sadly got captured and sentenced to death.

One part about this that is especially tragic is that he fell in love with the daughter of the jailer and on the day of his execution, 14th February, he wrote her a love letter and signed it off with the famous words ‘from your Valentine’. There is some romance in this cruel twist of fate, and now this day has slowly become known as the day of love, appreciation, and of course the inevitable slight undercurrent of the bitter murmurs ‘I don’t care that I’m single, in fact it’s absolutely liberating!’. 


There are many rules for those pathetically lone- I mean for those single people- when this dreaded day swings round the corner. I think this is a universal sort of thing but don’t quote me on it, I’m just the author of this- completely not deriving this from personal experience.


Rule Number 1: Immediately upon waking up you must go on all social media and look at the dedicated stories of those in adorable, healthy, and loving relationships.  Aspire to be like those individuals and revel in how lonely you are whilst eating some Valentine's chocolate that your secret admirer (your mother) brought you. It’s fun, I’ve tried it. 


Now I know what you are thinking, ‘why would I do such a thing when I actively express my distaste for relationships day in and day out- I would never want one!’ Commitment issues of course are the answer to this. You can wish to be with that one special someone but when the opportunity arises, run like the wind! You don’t want that! You will still complain about it, but, hey, Cupid did love the smattering of hypocrisy in the battle of love. Come to think of it, many writers in literature did- I think Shakespeare was onto something.


I did start this article with the hopes of having many rules dedicated to the day of lurve but again these were high expectations that weren’t lived up to. Fitting I suppose. 


Rule Number 2 (the last rule): Partake in Galentines! Yes, the substitution of the letter V can really turn your day around. 


This rule is a considerably more wholesome one- spending Valentines with friends, sharing platonic love and appreciation is the way to go. I personally think platonic love is miles better than romantic (I’m not jealous!!), and what better to show this than through a boozy brunch at the Bobbin (not sponsored guys, I’m just a philanthropist for businesses what can I say)? A whole lotta alcohol and some food is the way to go- extra points if you’re hungover from the day before. I promise this is the best move- especially if you have a lot of lectures to catch up on for the next day. Not only you’ll be in a limbo state of headachey inebriation, but it would also lead to the discovery of ‘Alpha Male Strippers & Buff Butlers’ for hire right near campus (not making this up i swear, google it!).  Can’t think of anything better for all our singletons (and not) to be frank.


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