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  • Writer's pictureSatire

Checkmate? No Thanks Mate!

Simply Play In Your Mind

By Khreshnee Thayabaran

Image Credit: stevepb via Pixabay

We would like to interrupt our running story on ‘Rishi Sunak told me to stop being lazy and just get a job despite living on the streets for 6 years- I’m not happy about it!’ as we have been approached by our rapidly rising in fame entertainment channel- ‘Chess 4 U’ (now available on all streaming platforms) with urgent new advancements. It has been announced by the Super Clever Chess Federation (SCCF) at 2am this morning that they have now introduced a rule which they think will revolutionise the Chess universe. This rule is called ‘Le Mouvement Muet’, and essentially means not making a move at all! Throw your opponent off their game by the simple decision of refusing to play your turn, mute your reaction if you like, and just see the drama that ensues. After many years of trial and error (we are told) this has proved to work most efficiently- it has been confirmed that it all boils down to reverse psychology. We are now going to speak to Official Psychologist (trained by www.who-wants-to-  Wayne Kerr for his scientific thoughts and explanation.

“Chess is ultimately a mind game, so why not play the mind! Uncertainty and unpredictability are what draws a person in and throws them off the game- especially with the mute move. Something to do with the hypothalamus and the kidney. Trust me, I am a very official psychologist, it’s all about them organs.”

Of course, as Mr Kerr is indeed a qualified psychologist from a secure website, SCFF required no other scientific references before invoking their new mute rule. The current Supreme Grandmaster, Mikolav Ronan was kind enough to offer us a statement after much convincing (and a free subscription to Bikers Weekly).

“I mean, I do not know what you people want me to say. The Mute Move or the silly French way to say it, has changed my life. Earned me my title even. If my opponent plays a move I do not like, for example that silly Nimzowitsch-Larsen attack, I just don’t retaliate! Simple as. I have never lost a chess game since gaining this mindset. If I decide not to move then my opponent will, how you Brits say, freak out and then overthink their move and existence until everything falls into my favour. Sounds like today’s dating culture I cannot lie haha! Too inappropriate? Ah sorry sorry, chess champion you see- the social skills department lacks slightly…”

As a weather channel, we are not fully clear on the rules of chess nor if simply not choosing to play would help the victory of the Mute Move enforcer but who are we to judge really. We never talk about the weather here. There has been some backlash against SCCF’s new introduction, we have now discovered, from the mother of Ronan. We have just received a call from her detailing the admonishment she has from the chess name being blemished. Let’s play it through now.

“I’ve just heard my son commenting on this нелепый (ridiculous) rule on being mute in chess. That is not how you play this game; all those years I have spent drumming these tactics within Mikolav to win chess games on pure merit down the drain! This psychological manipulation warfare nonsense is not chess, and I simply won’t stand for it. I-“

Mikolav Ronan’s mother has been disconnected from the call due to wildly unforeseen and unexpected

circumstances beyond our control. Sadly we cannot seem to continue to listen to her many views on this matter. A real shame. SCCF’s decision to invoke this new move is certainly a very interesting one, especially the psychological implications. We are now looking forward to the flurry of messages on improved chess games as this rule stays around for longer. Now back to Rishi, he is such a cu- oh wait the weather!


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