SatireS
There once was a man called Pete
By those who love their boss.
There once was a man called Pete,
Who thought that his power was complete;
But he ran into Senate,
And UCU with it,
And ended up kissing their feet.
A Principal named Pete had a craving,
To cut staff and generate savings;
But he still found the means,
For some Executive Deans,
And everyone’s verdict was scathing.
There once was a man called Pete,
Who envied the Principal’s seat;
His plans went to Court,
Where they gave them some thought,
But their discussions...
How to be happy and live forever
By Lottie Leech
Find time for self-care. Allot at least three 15-minute intervals a day to comfy nest building around...
Diary of a Wimpy Principal
By: 'Pious Pete'
1 November 2025
FINALLY been appointed as Principal. Sure, it’s only for two years, but I’m the boss....
UK cities ranked by if Hector Boys was formed there
By Marlee Silverman
Loughborough: Don’t be an idiot, they are probably living in the dark ages, all Hector Boys-less...
Planet of the Seagulls
By Khreshnee Thayabaran
This just in: Aberdeen residents woke Thursday morning to a terrifying political announcement. The city’s seagull population has...
Looking for love on campus
By Hannah Fortune
In the run up to Valentine’s Day this year, the Aberdeen University Students’ Association (AUSA) offered a...
Interview with one of the good ones
By Marlee Silverman
John Flesh, 22, is an ideal role model for feminist men. He tells us he likes to...
Winter Olympics to bring back nudity in honour of Heated Rivalry
By Marlee Silverman
With all the hot press over the Canadian TV show Heated Rivalry, The 2026 Winter Olympics has...
50 Shades of Ramsay
By Khreshnee Thayabaran
“WHERE’S THE LAMB SAUCE!?!?!?”
These were the iconic words that the chef GOD Gordon Ramsey uttered in Season...
Benson Boone backflips into the f*cking Sun
By Marlee Silverman
Benson Boone made history last week by being the first human to ever backflip into the Sun...
The Gaudie now sponsored by Big Gun
By Marlee Silverman
The Gaudie is proud to announce that we will now be dedicating an article each addition to...
I’m happy library hours are cut and you should be too
The Taylor Library will only be open until 5:00 p.m. and closed on Sundays! Despite the emails encouraging you...
The Gaudie: out of hours
Nothing screams terror quite like a room of humanities students in costume. The Humanities Ceilidh was full of good food...
Day in the life of a satire writer
By Horseshoe Jibbons
9:00 A.M.: Wake up from a stress dream where you had to audition for Saturday Night Live...
Which Old Aberdeen campus building are you?
By Minaal Imran
Ladies and gentlemen, take this free quiz and uncover your true campus building spirit, with 99.996457% scientific...
The five letter faith
By Khreshnee Thayabaran
They converse in five letter words. They eat five letter foods. And every morning from 6:00 A.M.,...
Medieval torture is back in
By Marlee Silverman
Out with the old, in with the even older
Get ready b*tches because we are bringing back an...
First year survival guide
By Minaal Imran
Welcome to university! Within 48 hours, you’ll be crying in a Lidl aisle over overpriced cheese and...
I can’t wait to leave uni and I am not at all scared of the world
Ah, yes, graduation, the most exciting time of the year, where campus is once again buzzing with life. Relatives...
Interview with Michael Jackson
So how are you?
What have you been up to recently? Oh right sorry
Well this is getting...
A poem for Microsoft Authenticator
Oh, Microsoft authenticator, sweet and true
You are my protector in the digital view
Steadfast, safe, and pure
You keep my essays...
President Trump to split United States into 13 districts
VELVA TROUT, ABDNN HOST:
At a White House press conference on 14th April, US press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced President...
Why are there no rumours about me?
By Amanda Cornflake
Since I set foot on the cobblestone streets of University of Aberdeen, I have had one goal...
Cover letter
By Deepti Rose
Compassion. Foresight. Raw sexuality. These were the spirits that guided me down from the astral plane. As...
Elon Musk apologises for not making Nazi salute clear enough
The day after the US inauguration of Donald Trump, Elon Musk held a public conference to make an apology...