By Marlee Silverman
Benson Boone made history last week by being the first human to ever backflip into the Sun at just 23 years old. Boone was performing at the annual Mustache & Mullet Fundraiser Festival when he performed his signature backflip. To everyone’s surprise, he didn’t land on the ground after jumping off the piano. Instead he shot into the air at incredible speed and became only a pinpoint in the sky, eventually leaving the atmosphere all together and entering outer space.
As he continued to backflip into the sky, some bystanders said they could see his sequined jumpsuit sparkle like stars across the cosmos. The acceleration of Boone’s backflip caused the stage below him to Crumbl as he launched up into the sky, his singing about “moonbeam ice cream” echoing to the crowd below. People fell to the ground both in awe and from the sonic boom the boone-flip caused. Benson Boone kept his impeccable form whilst cannonballing into the stratosphere. Talk about an out of this world performance! Unfortunately this came minutes into the show and Ticketmaster gave no refunds and instead offered a new £600 package to “wait and see if Benson comes back.”
Reports from Mercury are telling of a faint barbecue smell emitting from the area of the Sun Benson backflipped into. Makes sense, his performance was quite crisp! When asked for a comment on his fateful backflip, Boone told Aberdeen News: “OWW OUCH OUCH HOT F*CK OUCH.” He is still rather affected by the event.
Performative men all over the globe are shaving off their mustaches in support of Boone’s being fried off. It’s nice when men come together to root for a cause they really care about: some white guy. Some fringe theories on TikTok said it was Kurtis Conner who launched himself into the Sun, but this was quickly disproved since he can’t do a backflip. Founders of this movement say it is not only for Boone, but “in support of men frying off their mustaches everywhere.” Our sources could not put a frequency to the amount of men this happens to, but it is apparently more than one.
According to our sources, this stunt was not planned and yet the pure majestic power of Boone caused a supernatural force to propel him up and into outer f*cking space. A concert-goer who happened to be carrying a powerful radar speed gun reported that Boone tumbled at 40,284 km/h, escaping Earth’s gravity in a matter of seconds. A week out from the event and our intergalactic colleagues are reporting that the fallout from the collision on nearby planets is causing an uncontrollable and fervent need to backflip off pianos at every possible moment. Orion’s belt has been impacted by the backflip as well, now showing up along with an entire jumpsuit, twinkling in the night. Boone is still in the hospital.
