By Marlee Silverman
The Gaudie is proud to announce that we will now be dedicating an article each addition to the biggest and best guns around! Don’t worry, we will be completely neutral on this matter. Nothing will sway us from telling the truth about our feelings on these big, glorious guns. Not even that generous donation from the generous and honourable gunsandmoreguns.com can take away our integrity. If there are problems with the guns showcased, we will be sure to tell our thoughtful viewers about them. Rest assured, we are speaking from the heart and will not be told what to write about these top of the line, quality assured beauties.
Some may feel that taking this gracious sponsorship would promote violence, war, and inequality. To that we say, is that really so bad? You get a totally awesome (or not, we aren’t here to sway you) gun to look at every two weeks, we get a fat check, and no journalistic integrity is lost. How do we know it isn’t lost? Because we said so. That’s the best thing about this: you get to trust us at face value and we never have to back up our claim! This increase in blind trust will bring the Aberdeen community closer together.
Speaking of bringing the Aberdeen community closer together, with Big Gun our paper gets to continue to print and our poor, desolate writers will once again have purpose in their lives. They get fussy when they can’t write and lose their meaning of life. They have also been known to bite. We at The Gaudie know none of our smart and dedicated readers would ever want that to happen and for that reason we know you’ll support Big Gun too.
With Big Gun, University of Aberdeen students will be much happier, healthier, and safer. Just look at how well The United States is doing with guns: it’s the safest place on Earth! We assure you this is true, as we would only partner with the very best of organisations. With Big Gun (who we love) The Gaudie is free to report on anything we want, so not to worry. This includes the 0 gun deaths per year in all countries ever, as an example.
We are proud to announce that these big, beautiful guns will be getting a full page on each edition and special bonus articles on our website. Fun gun themed stickers and puzzles will be available for children too! Many might not know this, but children are big supporters of guns. Just look at how well toy Nerf guns do with little kids. This is just one of the many ways that Big Gun will bring families together.
It is understandable that our dear readers may be concerned about doing such an ad campaign, no matter how virtuous the sponsoring company is. To that we say, you are really just shooting yourselves in the foot. Where else will you get news you can trust? And if you do want to shoot yourself in the foot, might we recommend a nice big gun to do the job. If you support us, feel free to write telling us you commend how good we are with money.
