By Khreshnee Thayabaran
This just in: Aberdeen residents woke Thursday morning to a terrifying political announcement. The city’s seagull population has officially formed a coalition government after successfully asserting their dominance over several food establishments along Union Street. The new administration, led by Superior Commander Graham Bird, confirmed the coalition was formed between three major parties: Chips First, Pies Reform, and the Bin Access League. According to very reliable sources, the parties had agreed to work together in what was described as a “ruthless and highly coordinated way” to obtain a Thain’s Bakery macaroni pie at 2:03 am after a night out.
“To be honest, I was impressed”, said local university student Sean Gull who decided to solo pub crawl for personal reasons. He was on his 15th pub before accepting defeat, in search of a buttery. “One gull, yes, the irony is not lost on me, distracted this girl by screaming in her face while the other one snatched her pie. A third gull started to stare at me, so I decided to walk away from the girl’s screams because I don’t like confrontation”.
Under the new coalition agreement, the seagulls have decided to implement several major policy initiatives, including constant access to public bins where the gulls can cherry pick food to their hearts content; a mandatory Outdoor Dining Tax on humans (they have stated that you are ‘just asking for it’ if you walk outside with food and tempt them); and declaring all newcomers to Aberdeen as ‘strategic sources of snacks.’
“These people who come to Aberdeen, especially for the first time, deserve to have their food taken away”, says Mr Bird. “I love my city, and we don’t need more people falling to the allure of its greyness and taking it away from us. I realise that this is a controversial statement because we need more humans to pre- I mean depend on, but we are perfectly happy with the public we have now!”
Mr Bird refused to answer any follow-up questions that alluded to his statement being discriminative, saying that he was just having some schoolboy fun. This policy has not been removed and is still in place.
Local ornithologist Blue Tit (who had her name legally changed from Karen Smith due to her passion for birds) discussed the hold that seagulls have had on Aberdonian society. She mentions how they initially operated in chaotic frenzy, fighting over meagre scraps before evolving over the years into a more intellectual political structure that seemingly only benefits them, no matter what they tell the public. Sounds familiar.
The seagulls have proved more powerful than we originally thought and this is a political situation that is rapidly developing. Rest assured, council officials are currently monitoring their meetings closely and will surely come up with a solution. So, hide your sausage rolls and keep your pies under lock and key, we may be here for a while…