It’s just the facts sweetheart
By Maggie Johnson
Photo credit: Pixabay
Listen, I understand that it might be hard to believe initially (probably because your brain is scientifically smaller than mine), but I definitely know more about your degree than you. I understand that this might not feel fair to you, and I would expect that interpretation of our conversation from someone with limited mental capacity. But just hear me out! My status as a man allows me to access a certain area of expertise: just slightly more knowledge about the field of knowledge of any woman that I am currently talking to.
This ability does not come easily. I have to devote most of my day to talking over women in order to maintain my streak of knowing more than everyone. I work tirelessly at learning several key terms from each area of study that I can incorrectly deploy at a louder volume than whoever I am speaking to. I listen to podcasts, d*** it!
“But how can you know about every degree?” you ask. This is where I can let you in on my little secret – knowledge is just the ability to talk longer than any woman is willing to listen. If you bring up a subject, best believe that I have an arsenal of quasi-related anecdotes to list until you walk away. I will outlast you, believe me.
Additionally, as a man, I have confidence in my ability to magically learn the facts that you might actually know after I have already interrupted you. I trust that by believing in myself I will successfully gain knowledge through the universe’s intervention. As is my male right. This is what has been happening for centuries – why would it stop now? Historically, bulls*** has been the most effective way to keep women quiet. Just because women do attend university now for some reason doesn’t mean I have to change my ways.
This brings me to a more intellectual argument: while your brain is occupied with the universal topics all women think about (marriage, children, cleaning my socks), my brain is occupied with better topics (books, science, cool-a** cars) that are obviously more relevant to the world. Why would you assume that you know more than me in the first place? Also, FYI, if you try to make the argument that you know more about the “woman topics” I just listed, you are sadly mistaken. I read the headline of an article about childbirth once, so I think I know what I’m talking about.
I can’t imagine how dumb you would be to think you know more than — what’s that? What’s my degree, if I’m so smart? Um…uh…none of your business… but it’s definitely really important and better than yours. So there.
