The Bird Is The Word!
By Josh Brown
Photo Credit: Slgckgc via Creative Commons
The cost-of-living crisis has impacted many across the UK and now it is finally affecting the most vulnerable-- university finances.
In a ground-breaking and possibly world leading development, the University of Aberdeen has decided to offer new students the opportunity to study a variety of fictional languages like Klingon, High Valyrian, and Welsh.
This decision was made after University Chiefs voiced their consideration of replacing Modern Language courses with the app Duolingo. The non-salaried green owl may look friendly, but don’t let his charismatic demeanour fool you! He will break your legs if you forget to do your daily dose of repetitive Spanish practice (with no indication of correct grammar rules, have fun!).
Some tips for the cost-of-living crisis are as follows:
1. Drink while on strong medication for a cheaper night out.
2. Get a job and stop being a student, what’re you going to do with your politics degree anyway silly, become a politician? Only the best and brightest of this fine land can do that (unrelated… how do I turn off data roaming?).
3. Last but not least, cut staffing costs through voluntary (or maybe not so voluntary) redundancies. What do you mean you’re just a student and don’t have staff?
The difficult decision these University chiefs made of axing Modern Languages and replacing it with the option of Duolingo is one too incomprehensible to bear. It is believed that Modern Languages are simply not as profitable as other courses such as the new proposed ‘How to Print Money 101’ at the Midas School of Giant Beanstalk research.
The administration has also had to impose strict rationing within the student canteen. Let me give you a brief insight into this. The new menu will include hearty meals such as dust and horse hooves, as well as a bi-monthly treat of shrubbery and toenail clippings. All prices will remain the same as before.
Many WOKE (naive) students are protesting the idea of forced redundancies of their teachers to make up for a shortfall of predicted revenue. They have concerns over the fact that Modern Languages are an important subject which can set up students for life with an invaluable skill and useful degree. It may also impact the reputation of the University and further deter aspiring students from studying here (wait this isn’t the Opine section).
Also, who even needs languages other than English? I know like three people, and they all speak English, except for my pal Gary who communicates through a diverse use of grunts and sighs. Besides, in like 4 years the whole world will all speak English so what’s the fuss about anyway?
The app will be provided free of charge to students who must download it on their own devices or face the wrath of the owl. One potential highlight is that there will no longer be any pesky human interaction for the teaching process, as the language teachers will no longer have jobs. This will make it nearly impossible to learn many languages at the University or have a useful degree to show for it.
“This education business isn’t as lucrative as I had first hoped…” said Duo the mascot of the proposed replacement app “until I realised that through emotional manipulation and threats, I could make a pretty penny”.
Newly appointed Secretary of State for Education (former PM) Benjamin Disraeli praised the idea, saying “I like this owl fella, he’s a hoot. Get it? Like the sound an owl makes.”
Well at the end of the day, Modern Languages only have themselves to bla… sorry, I mean.. only have those who poorly budgeted and predicted higher than realised student enrolments to blame.
