Seagull Aims To Be New Rector
A leading campus seagull, Roger Oeuf, is bidding to be Aberdeen University's first avian Rector.
by Wagril Slane
The annually student-elected Rectorship, unique to Scottish universities, is traditionally held by a popular local or celebrity figure, such as comedian, author and national treasure Stephen Fry, BBC presenter Nicky Campbell, or national treasure, author and comedian Stephen Fry. At Aberdeen, the post is currently held by prolific Green politician Maggie Chapman, despite stiff competition at last year's ballot box from prolific campus cat, Buttons.
"A seagull has never held the post of Rector, despite the fact we now outnumber people on campus" said Mr Oeuf, 1, who was born in the Don Estuary but now lives in a chimney in New Kings. "It's time to sort this out, especially now that the bloody cat is out of the way and can't cramp our style anymore".
Oeuf responded to criticisms he was not best placed to advance students' concerns with the university, which is meant to be what the Rector does, or something like that. "Look, squire," he retorted, "I went to the university of life, know what I mean. It's not easy being a seagull, people think we have a grand old time, strutting about that wall looking imperious then nicking your sandwich, perching on top of that stupid sculpture outside the library like we own the place, but it takes months of practice not to fall off. See, you never thought about that, did you? Vote Oeuf."
The lesser spotted gull's plans for his Rectorship include a new, compulsory Sixth Century course in Seabird Studies ("which would be a lot less daft than some of the present ones"), seagull petting evenings at Hillhead ("move over, guide dogs") and more designated campus toilet facilities for seagulls ("basically, anywhere").
Ms Heftie Sarlarie, Senior Registrar of the university, told The Gaudie: "The traditional title of Rector in Scottish universities sounds important, and it may appear highly progressive that it is students who vote for their preferred candidate, but in reality it's a populist figurehead with no power who usually loses interest in the post after a few of their Tweets have been ignored. Personally, I couldn't care less if the students elect a seagull if it makes them feel happy, they might as well elect a fridge freezer for all the representation of their views they're going to get."
Professor Eilyke Maarps of the Department of Geography is a world-renowned expert in providing last-minute quotes for The Gaudie in order to fill space. He told us "I'm personally for it. I'd rather have a seagull Rector doing a poo in my pint than Stephen Fry any day".
As well as Roger Oeuf several other candidates have announced their candidateship for this year's Rectorship. These are Seamus Tweedcoat, 7, a corgi from Kittybrewster; Shona Haybox, 142, a miniature terrapin from Bridge of Don, and Malcolm Humms, 3, a fridge freezer from Argos.