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  • Writer's pictureSatire

From the Diary of a Caveman

Updated: Oct 24, 2023

Translated by a time-travelling researcher

By Maggie Johnson

Photo Credit: Pixabay


Day 1: New man. Big Rock.

Translation: Today a large time-travelling device arrived near our cave. A new man stepped out, and managed to greet us. He very smartly suggested that I begin this diary as a never-before-seen way of documenting prehistoric human life.


Day 2: Bad Food. 2 Dead.

Translation: Today a group of hunters returned from a several day enterprise. They had been mostly unsuccessful, and were only able to salvage small amounts of meat. In addition they lost two young members of our group during the struggle for meat. The researcher very kindly and intellectually suggested that we ration our food, an offer that I rudely rejected immediately.


Day 3: Small Creature. Very Loud.

Translation: The newest member of our group was born today! I remain unimpressed, as it appears to be very loud and not helpful on the hunt. I remained conscious throughout my sister’s labour, something that surprised the researcher. Perhaps he was very, very brave when his sister went into labour but just couldn’t quite make it through watching the ordeal. Just a thought.


Day 4: HOT LIGHT! HOT LIGHT! HOT LIGHT!

Translation: Today we discovered fire. The researcher was unimpressed, and stated to me that he could do that all along, to which I replied by very unkindly shoving him into the newly discovered fire when he was just trying to be enthusiastic in sharing his knowledge.


Day 5: No Light. Dead?

Translation: Today an eclipse occurred for the first time in my lifetime. I was very concerned, and not willing to listen to the researcher, who is much smarter than me and could have explained exactly what was going on in very precise scientific terms.


Day 6: New food. Wet Sky.

Translation: Today we discovered a new type of berry, leading to much rejoicing in our cave group. Additionally, there was a light rain storm, which I treated as if the world was ending. However, the researcher remained outside the cave, because he is a big strong man who is not a wuss about a little rain shower.


Day 7: Big Fight. Go Away.

Translation: A small skirmish broke out in the cave today, with unknown origin. It’s possible that the researcher’s presence exacerbated it slightly, but it absolutely had nothing to do with him overstaying his welcome.


Day 8: I have learned English, and have been pretending to not understand the researcher because he is annoying and self-centred. I hope that he will leave our cave immediately and return to wherever he is from. If the future is full of people like him I am just fine to remain in the past. I have also stolen his pocket knife and lighter, which will soon make me the most sought after caveman in the whole of our area.

Translation. None needed.

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