Thousands gather in hopes of hearing a reversal of church policy on the LGBTQ+ community
By Sam Johnson
Photo by Luis Cortés on Unsplash
For the first time since the Vatican became a separate and distinct country in 1929, the Vatican has issued a nota verbale raising its opposition to a newly proposed Italian law. In a recent statement, representative Paul Gallagher, the lesser known forth Gallagher brother, opined “for too long the Vatican has stood on the side-lines or even been on the wrong side of history, we want to correct that.”
“We were cool with Mussolini and everything that happened in World War II, but this goes too far and so we must finally break our silence and join the opposition against the tyranny of gay rights”. Gallagher continued “We think Pride 2021 is the perfect time to come out in opposition to Italy’s new law that would make committing hate crimes against LGBTQ+ or disabled people illegal.”
“At the very least, we believe we should all be given get out of jail free cards which we can redeem to be exempt from the law”. If this proposed amendment passes, it is rumoured sale of these cards, which very much resemble the ones from Monopoly, would be a financial boon for the Vatican. This could also be a big draw for new members who wish to find an outlet for their prejudice without all the pesky consequences associated as well as finding refuge with their fellow peers in the church as have many before them.
There are rumours the Pope is to start a controversial podcast on the culture wars which will apparently consist of him repeatedly insisting he is a liberal progressive, in between rants against the LGBTQ+ community, multiculturalism, “cultural Marxism”, the woke, and feminists. Little is known about the podcast right now, but it is said to feature a classical music opening, and there are rumours the Pope is taking classes to perfect his purely logical, ASMR voice. It is hoped patrons and subscribers will donate to support the $16 billion institution in their newest business venture, giving their money where it is most needed, especially to restock the papal wardrobe.
There are also reports that the Vatican wishes to prevent President Biden getting communion over his controversial stance of not being pro-life, and not even making them so rare and hard to get that they practically don’t exist except for a privileged few. In a statement, made through a mouthful of Jesus Christ, a representative from the Vatican said “We are revoking his Catholic cannibalism licence. If he wants to eat human flesh, he’ll have to ask Hillary Clinton, I just read on the Internet somewhere that she is really into that”. When asked what part of Jesus he was eating right now, the representative went bright red, mumbled something about “drawing the short straw” then made hurried excuses before quickly leaving the press conference.
