by Wagril Slane
Students getting hooked.
Aberdeen University computer boffins have made an urgent appeal for vigilance after a new so-called 'fishing' threat.
Helpdesk leader Ms Svitzitovan Donogan urged students and staff to be extra observant after a pair of rods, several worms and a thermos flask were discovered on the top floor of the Duncan Rice Library, while undergraduates working on lower levels reported missing credit cards, bank statements, and in one case a tuna and mayonnaise baguette.
"Students may think they are protected from this sort of thing when using University facilities, but these so called 'anglers' have infiltrated our systems," Ms Donogan told The Gaudie. "We believe the criminals have made fake University cards, probably out of old pairs of waders, then brazenly made their way to the top of the atrium. There they unravel their 'lines' to the floors below to 'hook' unsuspecting students' bags and purses. Then they use the stolen credit cards to buy kagouls, those little foldy-up stools and bars of Kendal Mint Cake, before the victim has a chance to cancel them."
"I'd only gone to get water from the dispenser on the first floor," said Chemistry undergraduate Anne Chovy. "Obviously that particular machine takes nearly an hour to fill even my small water bottle, so by the time I got back to my seat not only had some unscrupulous 'angler' hoisted my bank cards from my bag, but the library was closed, and I had to spend the night here. On a positive note I was able to play in the lifts for hours without them stopping on every floor for people there's already no room for."
Finn Dorsal, an Ecology finalist, was luckier. "I was innocently eating my home-made packed lunch in the library cafe when I noticed a colourful feathery thing, on a wire, heading towards my wallet. I now know that this was so called 'fishing' tackle and that the technical term for it is a 'colourful feathery thing'. Fortunately, like all Ecology students, I always carry around a large pair of gardening shears, in order to confuse people even more as to what exactly my course involves. I quickly snipped the line and heard the unmistakable sound of a grumpy overweight red-faced middle-aged man falling backwards into some tupperware containers containing corned beef sandwiches made with white bread. I knew my degree would be a 'shear' success!"
Worse, there are now reports that organised teams of the self styled 'fisher men', wearing their trademark Sou'westers and bucket hats in depressing shades of fawn, have taken to squatting on the roofs of university buildings. Campus security officer Mr Yucant Parkier gave chase to such a gang over the MacRobert Building roof on Tuesday. They got away, but he managed to grab a "rather smelly size seven green welly" from one of them.
"I don't want to carp on, but it's now prawning on us spratt this is going to be a real haddock", continued Ms Donogan. "I thought this would be my bream job, but we are perched at the pike of a scandal, without a trout. I'll have to end the interview now I'm afraid as I can't think of any more names of fish."
Even Professor Eilyke Maarps of the Department of Geography has encountered the scandal. "Only today I overheard some undergraduates discussing the load of pollocks they've had to put up with in my lectures this semester," he told The Gaudie.
