• Gaudie Satire

Matt Hancock on UN role: I promise I won’t make out with anyone else

Updated: Jan 26

This statement comes after the United Nations decided to no longer pursue his appointment


By Ruairidh Macdonald


"Matt Hancock donates Covid-19 Antibodies" by UK Prime Minister is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0


Earlier today, former Health Secretary Matt Hancock spoke out about the recent reversal of the United Nations’ decision to appoint him as a special representative responsible for helping Africa’s economy recover from the coronavirus pandemic.


In a statement, he expressed that he thinks he was the right man for the job, even if there were hundreds of much more qualified and relevant candidates and was extremely disappointed with the decision taken to remove him before he even had the chance to cock it up.


This dismissal comes after pressure from critics due to a report on the catastrophic mishandling of the pandemic by the government authored by ministers was released recently, highlighting Hancock’s role in not locking down the United Kingdom soon enough and the promotion of herd immunity.


Infuriated that his critics would use his past words and deeds to evaluate his fitness for a future position, Matt Hancock went into a violent tirade about how no one cares about care homes and we were all overreacting as we were all picking on him. He continued by saying that he was bored just being a MP and that Africa “needed another white man to come along and help them sort out their mess”.


Not stopping there, the climax of the rant came as he asked, “It’s because of the affair, isn’t it?”, calling everyone in the room a prude just because he was “getting some” and we weren’t. However, to be fair to everyone having to suffer his outburst, this is mainly due to the fact the country was following the rules Mr. Hancock had put in place prior to his resignation.


After this, anger turned into sadness and with tears running down his face, he asked the United Nations for the role back, promising not to make out with anyone else if they did. The United Nations have yet to respond, but it is reasonably understood that they won’t.