Majestic Breasts and How to Grind Them
A review of the porn parody of “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them”
by Snap Bickerman
For Valentine’s day, why not have a night in? That is the primary question posed by this strange imagining - a true Harry Potter fan’s wet dream.
Wizard breastologist Nude Scanhander works covertly to free his favourite beast friend, a young hippogriff rendered arousingly as a Rita-Hayworth-type in a feathered lion suit, from the evil wizard Grinderfuck.
The opening sequence, where Scanhander travels the wizarding world on his quest to grope chests of witch, muggle, and magical beast alike in the scholarly pursuit of the perfect set of knockers, is frankly mind bending. When our protagonist finally finds the hippogriff, splashing about in a forest pool aided by centaurs giving her a bird bath, the viewer is left thoroughly unhinged. So strange and unwholesome were the previous three minutes of sight and sound that have unraveled since the film began that this scene seems coy and tasteful in comparison. The centaurs whinny as they rub their furry flanks against the illustrious hippogryph, creating a sudsy residue along her sleek feathery body, and doubts begin to squirm in the mind of the viewer as to whether bestiality has been too quickly discarded from sexual consideration. After weeks of voyeuristic observations by Scanhander, shown via a montage of a stifling number of magical beast themed orgies, the chance finally comes for Nude to meet the hippogriff alone.
After Nude performs an animal mating dance, the likes of which would turn Eddie Redmayne’s face as red as his hair, the hippogriff jitters her body, with appreciable repercussion in her ripe melons, forward to being nearly in arms reach of Scanhander’s shaking fingers. Just as Nude is about to place his palm on lithe flesh, in swoops the nefarious Wizard Grinderfuck. As Grinderfuck speeds away riding on the bucking hippogriff, Scanhander screams in anguish and sexual frustration. Grinderfuck has taken the hippogriff for an apocalyptic sex ritual which will rid the world of all muggles. All virgins to the world of magic will die if Nude Scanhander can’t rescue the hippogriff and stop Grinderfuck’s naughty Nietzsche’n plans.
I found that one of the most rewarding parts of watching this movie was the wonderful throwbacks to other erotic Harry Potter parodies. In fact, the hippogriff in this movie was the same character constructed with CGI in Harry Hermaphrodite 5 - The Goblet of Jizz, only much younger. In The Goblet of Jizz the hippogriff is played by a MILF rendered with CGI who lets young Harry and giant Hagrid ride her while the class of young witches and wizard watch on in horror. Now in her younger days, the hippogriff is infinitely wild and effeminate, the slave of wizard Grinderfuck.
The biggest drawback to the movie is that they seem to give up on the plot in the end. After such an incredibly epic take off, the plot quickly breaks apart like the Challenger ending with the shrapnel of all endings: the protagonist giving up on his principles. Nude Scanhander, upon realising that he cannot stop Grinderfuck’s apocalyptic sex ritual from going forward, resolves with the support of a zoo of magical creatures to fuck every muggle they can in order to save them, reasoning of course that if their magical cherry is popped they will be saved from the consequences of Ginderfuck’s ritual. If only they had kept the storytelling quality up to the end, this truly could have been one of the best erotic Harry Potter parodies to date.