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  • Writer's pictureSatire

Invasion of Ukraine: Step 1 Attack, Step 2 _____, Step 3 Profit?

So apparently, there is a plan?

By Jakub Ivanecky

Photo courtesy of Ministry of Defense of Ukraine

On February 24th, the Russian Federation violated the sovereign territory of Ukraine and rebooted its military occupation of the country from its 2014 short film into a full-blown Netflix series. This is not to be confused with the one in 1917, or the mess that was the partition of Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. If any of these are news to any members of our audience, we are happy to welcome Serbian Russophiles among our readers. The invasion has been considered in the Kremlin-described “rebel territories of the Nations Against Tyrannical Overlords (NATO)” as lacklustre by analysts, while President Putin has declared that everything was going according to plan. To further emphasise his point, he attempted to imitate the voice of actor Heath Ledger, for reasons only known to his inner circle. Through our Ukrainian allies, the Gaudie has obtained this detailed plan of Russian advance and were assured that it is genuine.

(The following has been adapted to Latin alphabet through our chief linguistic officer, Google Translate:)

Step 1: Monopolise power in your own country, that is to say pay off your National Debt by selling off state assets and industries to the wealthiest people in your inner circle and abuse the legal loopholes in your electoral system so you can remain the head of state for over 20 years, also known in other totalitarian states as a “brief first term”. Tighten your hold over state media and ensure the rest must toe the line and appeal to only the smallest amount of your population to remain “legally” in power, while the rest cower and are forced to be the target of insults and sanctions from the West despite having no sympathy or power over your regime.

Step 2: Make yourself “allies”, this involves sending agents to sow discontent and discomfort in the populace of other states, support solitary autocrats wherever possible, especially the ones with a Messiah complex (see for example: 45th President of the United States) or if all else fails, turn to DIY, also known in Russia as the “Detention in Yakutsk” approach.

Step 3: PROFIT. In this instance, the fruits of this labour are:

  • Republic of Belarus sending in their chief diplomacy-impersonators, to show the benefits of playing both sides to into your pocket

  • Democratic People's Republic of Korea sending 40 of their “most approved” sculptors to build monuments for your fallen soldiers, with the statue of your likelihood´s foot on their spine

  • The State of Eritrea sending your government 70,000 holiday brochures and mining investment business cards

  • Iran sending 12 of their engineers to show how to attack nuclear infrastructure

  • Syrian Arab Republic sending 2,000 booklets on how to terrorize civilians regardless of whom they belong to

  • CCP sending thoughts and prayers as they wait for the result in who is going to help them attack Taiwan

  • The European Union sending in heaviest sanctions since the Cold War, forcing your own people to salvage their savings from the ruins of your state's economy

And if all the above fails, Ukraine will send its best people, from the common folk in the villages to heavyweight boxer mayors, to shove your tanks up the arse so you may have something sturdy to sit on once the people of Russia dethrone you.


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