• Gaudie Satire

“If I cut the caffeine, then I’ll be fine,” says Woman During Plague-Recession-Climate-Catastrophe

by Lilidh Jack

collage by Mathilde Communal


“Caffeine, If I just cut the caffeine from my diet, then I can get my life together,” said Lynsay Brown today, on break from her zero-hours retail contract. Speaking today at a conference of gathered associates from Sports Direct Kittybrewster, Brown stated that if she wasn’t so reliant on caffeine, she could just ‘get her sh*t together.’


Citing poorer mental health outcomes, jitters, and poor skin condition, Brown stated that cutting the RedBull, Monster, and coffee from her diet will solve all of these problems. Brown took questions from the floor of gathered colleagues, within their timed 15-minute break from getting screamed at by entitled parents.


Brown did not go so far as to address her drastic reduction in hours and finances, the stress of getting coughed on by half of Aberdeen daily, and the global plague-recession-climate-catastrophe.


Brown took questions from the gathered associates. Kasia Rosińska, speaking on behalf of the 10am-6pm shift, asked whether the near-zero hour weeks, without the chance for furlough, as well as immunocompromised parents might be contributing to her symptoms.


“No caffeine, it’s definitely the RedBull,” replied Brown.


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