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  • Writer's pictureSatire

I’m Talking About My Period to Make You Uncomfortable, Not Because I’m in Excruciating Pain

Don’t Worry, It’s Still All About Your Experience

By Maggie Johnson

Photo credit: Saranya7 via Pixabay

There seems to be a movement lately encouraging people with periods to talk about them openly, to destigmatize them, to commiserate about them, and to normalise them. I would like to make it very clear that I do not subscribe to this bull****. My own discussion of my period has a higher calling in mind: I exclusively talk about my period to make men uncomfortable.

I only have one goal when I wax philosophical about my monthlies, which is a targeted attack. It is unequivocally intended to make you very uneasy, and to challenge your assumptions of the world. If you have ever been around me when I go into heavy detail about the trials and tribulations of menstruation, just know that it was on purpose. Even if it appeared that I was talking to fellow women, or if they brought it up first, or you didn’t know me, just know that I had the singular aim of making you feel slightly grossed out.

Certainly, I would never speak about my period just because it’s the most pain I’ve ever been through (and I’ve broken my leg). That kind of thing should be kept to oneself. In detailing how I’ve nearly fainted and actually vomited from the pain of cramps, I am trying to make you feel ill, not air my grievances. Why would I feel the need to mention it otherwise? When me and my friends discuss leaking blood everywhere, we’re not trying to make sense of the complicated tapestry of womanhood and bond over a shared experience. Or at least I’m not. It’s exclusively about making men in earshot feel icky. When I criticise the medical system for ignoring my heart-attack levels of pain for years, just know that you should take it as an indictment of every single man who has ever been a doctor or wanted to be a doctor or watched Grey’s Anatomy, because that is how I intended it.

Having period products available in stores and in bathrooms is also intended to make you uncomfortable. Making you confront the reality that bits of uterine lining and blood clots come out of people’s bodies is kind of a passion project of mine. Not many people know this, but I am actually single-handedly behind the movement to have free period products available in Scotland. And I did it all with men in mind. Imagine what I could do if I had more funding and power. I could take over the world!! As long as my cramps didn’t get too bad, I suppose.

I would like to confirm for you that learning about periods in school and online is a huge conspiracy run by me too. If you’ve ever had to sit through a class about menstruation and been like “wtf”, at least now you know who made you do that. It was never about understanding the biology of reproduction, or building empathy for others. It was about making you upset!

This article is here to reaffirm the fact that everything in the world is centred around your experience as a man. So if you’ve ever had a sneaking suspicion that you could make women talking about their periods about yourself, I’m here to help. Please remember that there is no other reason that anyone with a period could possibly be doing so. Just because an experience is had by roughly half the population (not even just women!) does not mean that it cannot be successfully ignored in the service of making men comfortable. In fact, you’ve been doing it for years, and I intend to help you continue.


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