• Gaudie Satire

Gaudie Magazine Special Edition: Ask Dr. SexyEdits!

Here to help, regardless of being invited or not!


By Dr. SexyEdits


"Selwyn Toogood's Beauty and the Beast"by Archives New Zealand is licensed under CC BY 2.0


“Dear Dr. SexyEdits…help!!! I wrote this pancake recipe piece a while back and the Gaudie newspaper editor told me it was absolute rubbish! I really love writing, and the recipe is my grandma’s own, passed down to generations with love and passion…but when I sent my article the editor seemed so unimpressed?? Instead of giving me pointers on how to improve, the editor was just really mean and told me no one would ever gulp 2000 words of that trash... I’ve always wanted to work as a foodie journalist and this was the first article I ever wrote! Should I give up? Am I not talented enough? I am literally in tears!”

Dear Reader,


First of all: the way you phrase the start of your query does not particularly encourage me to read it. Any of our readers writing for advice should learn to word their little sob-pamphlet properly. Abandon the pathos, for the love of Jupiter! Let my person be your inspiration: be apathetic, emotionless, careless - in short, almost dead. Remember, it is in the editor’s interest to be nurturing yet authoritative. I am known among my minions to be both when I grace them with suggestions on their work.


Secondly, I do not see, m’dear, what the fuss is all about! If the editor said your piece was rubbish, I am sure it was! Who cares if you were just writing your first article? And who cares if editors are there to edit? What, you expect them to actually do the job? Surely it would be cheeky of you not to submit an already perfect piece, ready for print. If you don’t, of course they would be mad! Jolly good, I, too, would be infuriated if I was asked to do my job without going berserk!


Lastly: are you literally in tears? I believe you only mean figuratively.


Give up already. Do us all a favour!


Authentically,


Dr. SexyEdits


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