top of page
  • Writer's pictureThe Gaudie

Football thugs smuggle Apache attack helicopter into Dons game

Pittodrie stadium, normally a place of peace and tranquillity, descended into boorish madness last weekend when a Boeing AH-64 Apache attack helicopter was somehow spirited past security onto the grounds, whereupon it took to the air terrifying spectators and players.

by Evan Scott

Pittodrie Stadium by Stanley Howe via

Strafing the area it managed to only destroy fruit stands and old cardboard boxes, however, local dogs still haven't stopped barking since the incident with reports of shredded vocal cords and exhausted neighbours. Janice MacDuff had this to say:

“I can handle being without fruit for a couple of days, that's no issue, it's having no fruit that gets me”

The police have yet to release information on who exactly committed the act, however, the Gaudie was made privy to some CCTV footage that showed over 130 men collectively concealing something under their jackets whilst entering the grounds. They were briefly stopped by Andrew Beasley -a member of Pittodrie Stadiums security team- who when asking what they had was told “We ain't got nothing”

Two Harris hawks, usually used for policing the skies of rogue birds, were released in an attempt to wrestle the helicopter to the ground. Both flew into the spinning rotor blades immediately. One of the hawks, named Screaming Jay Leno for its unusual grey feathers and impressive classic car collection, was said to of only been 13 years from retirement.

“I loved that bird like a dog,” Said his handler.

Fans were naturally shocked to see such a sight at the stadium. Daniel McClutchin had this to say:

“I've never seen anything like it. Well, not since Alex Ferguson rode a diesel train onto the pitch, but that was all in good fun. This is just sick.”

Amelia Clark told us she had no idea how they even pulled off such a stunt:

“I heard it costs the Americans a hundred and twenty thousand dollars every time one of those things takes off. Whoever did this simply must work in oil and gas. They just have to.”

The helicopter fled the scene shortly after the strafing and headed out to sea, with such an open expanse lacking any of its precious fuel experts assume the beast will soon starve to death. Fishermen have been asked to stay vigilant.


bottom of page