• Gaudie Satire

"Everything fine" Declares University Senate

Students reassured and return to role as fee paying drones.

image source: 30 seconds in Photoshop

article by E. Norma Scock

The University of Aberdeen Senate has declared the ongoing COVID pandemic as "Totally fine" in a close vote this week on whether or not to adopt a "No Detriment" policy when considering degree awards this year.


The result of the vote has been met with jubilation from students who have been without lectures, access to tutors, resources, the university campus, and in some cases "The outside", and were becoming somewhat concerned that things were "Not fine".


In light of these concerns over real-world employment, sources trying to confirm when the last time a member of the senate held an actual job.

Some of the inconveniences faced by students, which have now been confirmed to actually no be inconveniences at all, include access to a library where you can take the books off the shelf in order to read them -as if they would contain information that might be useful to some academic pursuit-.


An alternative strategy being considered by the senate is to have a students request a book and then have a librarian hold it up at a two meter distance while the student squints and contorts their eyes to reads it through a pair of opera glasses, like some kind of deranged gremlin who's somehow ended up paying several grand for this privilege.


When asked for a statement on why this policy was voted down the senate offered a thorough and comprehensive explanation that it doing so might devalue a degree affect the job prospects of graduates and might be unfair to higher performing students. In light of these concerns over real-world employment, sources trying to confirm when the last time a member of the senate held an actual job.

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