by Wagril Slane
image courtesy of Jake Roslin
A massive new concrete bridge is to be built to connect campus to the European Union after Brexit.
Brussels bureaucrats recently confirmed that Aberdeen University would be kept in ‘regulatory alignment’ with the EU after the intended 31 October split due to ‘it having more Finnish people than Finland has’. But UoA mandarins had been concerned border delays, visa problems and the generally unwelcoming face of Nigel Farage may have deterred future students from mainland Europe from pursuing degree courses at the university.
‘I’ve no idea who first thought of a bridge,’ Ivor Kashbagge, head of the university's Department of Vanity Projects, told The Gaudie. ‘But the idea is brilliant, and avoids any need for the much debated “border in the North Sea”. The elegant bridge, to be built of reinforced concrete in a style to match our beautiful MacRobert Building, will rise from campus, cross 986 miles of ocean and land, and deposit students in the middle of Helsinki’.
EU students will able to “turn up and go” each day using a special shuttle bus service over the bridge, to be operated by the university’s partner Wurst Bus. Day tickets will start at a bargain £3,800. Passengers will go through “seamless” electronic customs checks, with a warning signal sounded at campus security lodge should they be carrying chlorinated chicken, bent bananas or any sort of democratic ideological baggage.
‘No expense will be spared in this ingenious endeavour,’ continued Mr Kashbagge. ‘Each side of the roadway will be lined with statues of legendary university figures, such as Principal Boiiing and his great friend, frizzle-haired guitarist-turned-astrophysicist Dr Brian Mercury of the rock band ABBA. Let it not be said that UoA are not “down with the kids” as to what’s “top of the pops” this week! There will also of course be videowalls along the entire length of the bridge which will show continuous drone footage of campus, confusing information about free PC locations and advertisements for niche academic seminars nobody goes to. These screens, which will be renewed every six months whether they need to be or not, will ensure the bridge is visible from outer space at night. Which will really give us one up over those tossers at RGU’.
A spokesperson for students' union AUSA criticised the university’s grandiose scheme. 'We live in a time of climate crisis, ecological disaster and crisis of climate,' said sabbatical officer Nevva Quorrate. 'So the last thing we want is a thousand mile bus bridge. University management have again failed to consult with any of AUSA's 26 sabbaticals, 92 committees or 2,350 student council members (2,349 positions vacant). What AUSA would want, if we were allowed to have our own opinions, would be a cycle bridge. BeCycle would provide puncture repair posts every few miles, badly attended pub quizzes would be held on the pavements, and Shared Planet would keep everyone well fed with their boxes of turnips and things’.
The Gaudie understands that the £500bn cost of the bridge will be met by economies elsewhere on campus. ‘It is possible a little reallocation of spending may be necessary to fund the bridge,” said Kashbagge. ‘But the expenditure is nothing that the closure of a few of our less business-orientated degree courses can’t cover.’
‘We are determined to make the best of Brexit,’ he continued. ‘This university has always been somewhat unique within the UK, whether by having more seagulls than students, being perennially top of UCAS Clearing, or being the furthest situated from anywhere interesting. This wonderful bridge will mean generations of future students from countries such as Finland, Suomi, and the country of the Finns will continue to flock to Aberdeen, and will continue to see what an insular, divided and bloody stupid country the UK is’.
