[15 April, 2025 – 17:00 EST]
VELVA TROUT, ABDNN HOST:
At a White House press conference on 14th April, US press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced President Trump’s plan to divide the United States into 13 different districts, doing away with states for the first time in US history. This decision comes after temporarily pausing worldwide tariffs. According to Leavitt, unlike what the fake news leftists say, this is not backtracking or because negotiations are not going well. It is instead to take time to build up America centered industry that has been tanked by the previous presidency.
Each district is set to produce a specific type of good, for instance, lumber, livestock, and technology. According to Trump, this decision is perfect to increase American production and rely less on other countries and their predatory tariffs. For just a short time, movement between the districts for leisure will not be allowed in order to quickly ramp up production. As stated by President Trump, this is a small sacrifice to make to bring back the glory days of patriotic American manufacturing.
As for the layout of these districts, some people have questioned why southern states’ shores and most of Florida have been left out. In response to this, Trump said “Don’t worry about it. We have the best shores, no one has shores like we do,” as he gestured in that annoying way he does with his old person hands. I’m not going to do a Trump impression sorry, I’d rather die. Getting word to not put in personal viewpoints. Thank you for the input, Boss. People have also been told not to question the districts extending into “current day” Canada.
When questioned about why districts are superior for industry over the states, Leavitt said that while states have their own identity, it takes up time that could be better utilised for manufacturing. The goal is to instate a sense of pride centred around the industry of each district.
This change is set to take place on 4th July. Wait, seriously? That’s so stupid, oh my God. Okay sorry. Being impartial. President Trump is set to create the districts on 4th July to mark a new era of freedom for the American people. The organisation of Congress will stay the same, with two senators per district and an amount of House Representatives proportional to populations. In addition, an expert of each industry will be appointed secretary of the coordinating district. Elon Musk, for example, will be secretary for district 6, the transportation industry district. He will also be in charge of districts 4 and 5. Most of these are set to be Elon Musk, actually. The district secretary for pharmacy and medicine will be RFK Jr., who seems to be taking his responsibilities to heart, and is recommending people start eating dirt to promote immune health. Just big ol’ bags of dirt, I guess.
Stay tuned. At 6:00, Why The Hunger Games and all sequels have been added to the US banned book list and at 7:00, what kind of floss Luigi Mangione uses.