by Khreshnee Thayabaran
Want to meet the person of your dreams? Look no more, Hinge is the place to go! You will most definitely fall in love with the greenest flag who has no baggage and who is not looking for a quick shag and live the rest of your life in blissful peace. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? That’s because it doesn’t exist! A lie. False news. Alas, it is another one of those apps that contributes to a person’s lore- it makes your university and corporate life even more interesting. The people you come across in this app really do match the stereotypical dating world woes that many, including me, fall for every time- let’s explore the two main common mistakes!
- The emotionally unavailable guitar boy.
Hinge is full of them, those prompts which look like it was shot by an underground photographer- all beanies, shaggy hair and grainy resolutions. They have played the guitar since they were 14 and were in a band with their longtime high school girlfriend. Of course, now the only artists they play on it is either Lynyrd Skynyrd, The Eagles or any Hendrix tune (they’re the next Jimi Hendrix in Scotland would you believe) but it is still something to be impressed by! Especially if you’re sitting on their bed while they play at you whilst reminiscing about how cool they were in their old band days and again that one ex. It’s truly an unmatched experience, one that cannot be entertained without copious amounts of alcohol. The retro comic bookshop and that one vinyl store is their daily haunt, they like to talk about this on a daily occurrence! They got that In Rainbows vinyl the other week, so indie underground we hear them shout, which they like to strategically place in every late-night snap they send to you with their record player- so misunderstood we hear them cry. This type of boy will almost definitely love bomb you for weeks before saying that they’re just not ready for a relationship, but they still really like you! They just don’t deserve you. Either now it’s a ghosting situation or a segway into more tortured guitar playing, congrats you’re now a muse (not the band)!
- The artsy movie critic- facts not opinions!
This is a special type of boy, or at least that’s what he hopes to think. Letterboxd is his holy grail, which by the way is what he will try to mention in every prompt.
“The only 10/10 I experienced in my life was that pakora after my blunt but also what I rated Pulp Fiction on Letterboxd, Tarantino knows what’s up”
“My version of my morning newspaper is any movie review on Letterboxd, maybe with a bit of a cig, it’s better than sex! (unless…)”
“Dream date: me, you, chilling at your place with Amazon Prime (Netflix is so basic) and an open letterboxd tab!”
Bonus points are if their opening text manages to include what niche French film they’re into this week.
Of course, their view on movies will never be an opinion. What they say goes and don’t ever forget it!
Facts, not opinions, people.
Boys like this often are ironically not on social media, they don’t have Instagram. That’s too common for them. Whatsapp and iMessage are the prime forms of communication.
They’ll text you constantly throughout the weeks until you let slip that you don’t like Adventure Time. That’s when s*** hits the fan.
Although this was only a brief insight into the world of stereotypical Hinge men, I hope it offers you a quick and easy guide of the people in general on this coveted app. If you’re on the look to find someone who is inexplicably too deep for this world but also just shallow enough to not acknowledge their lack of emotional availability, then this might just be your lucky day! So, between misunderstood vinyl owning guitar players who may or may not ghost you depending on their mood for that day and pretentious film critics who will tell you the true meaning of The Godfather before you even swap pleasantries, I’d say we are spoiled for choice. After all, I think healthy communication and mental stability is overrated when you are rivalled with such dreamy men. Hubba hubba.