In May 2023, Fetty Wap was sentenced to 6 years in prison for the crimes he meticulously laid out in his song, “Trap Queen”. Today, that could be turned around, if Fetty Wap opens his eye socket to the possibility. Mr. Wap’s sentence could be decreased by three years if the judge is allowed to stick his fingers in the eye socket. In Judge Petersen’s words, he wants to “get all up in there.”
It is yet to be determined if the Constitution allows this, but no one’s really stopping it because they all want to see what’s going to happen. One juror stated:
“This is clearly wrong morally but how else will I know if the socket is wet or not?”
This juror was subsequently kicked off the jury for being a little too excited. The rest of them know Judge Petersen is a freak but really want the time off of work.
Originally, this new deal came about because Fetty Wap recently turned 33. His lawyer brought up that Mr. Wap is now the same age as Jesus when he died for our sins. According to him:
“Should Fetty Wap not also get the chance to be reborn?”
Judge Petersen allowed this on grounds of respecting Christianity. No one believes this is why he agreed.
Because Fetty Wap is imprisoned in Ohio, where the laws are vague and incomprehensible, court decisions like this are perfectly reasonable and a common occurrence. The state knows about this problem but not much else happens in Ohio and they like to be entertained.
When asked his opinion, Fetty Wap said he thinks this is messed up but wants to get back to his life: his children, his 37 cars, his 24 houses, and his drug empire. He was advised not to say that last part. When released from prison, Mr. Wap wants to have a new song called “I Also Sold Drugs in Prison.” He does not seem to understand the concept of secrets and his lawyers do not like him.
The terms of this agreement remain unclear but from what our reporters can say it is simple. In exchange for three years off Fetty Wap’s sentence, with no impact on conditions of parole or conditions in prison, the judge will be allowed to open up Fetty Wap’s eye and wiggle a finger around in there. Again, Fetty Wap thinks this is sick, but he really hates prison. Understandable, Mr. Wap.
Some human rights groups have questioned whether this is ethical to do to a prisoner who doesn’t have any real options to get out of prison earlier. Like the jury, most people are a bit too invested than they are upset at Fetty Wap’s treatment. All in all, Judge Petersen is a bit unusual in his methods, but my goodness we need to know what he says that eye socket is like. Will it be slippery and slimy? Dry like the desert? Hungry like the wolf? Is this incredibly offensive? More answers to come soon.