Dear User,
Hey girl, it’s me again. Your trusty music sidekick. That’s right, it’s Spotify. Don’t act like you don’t know who I am — we spend upwards of two hours a day together. And when you went through that situationship breakup back in March, it was more like eight (I mean seriously, would it kill you to try something other than Phoebe Bridgers?).
I’m just popping up for a reminder as it draws closer to Spotify Wrapped season. I get really busy around this time of year, but don’t worry, you’re always my first priority. You’re secretly my favorite customer, but don’t tell anyone else that.
This year I am BEGGING you to consider what your music data is gonna look like. You don’t want to embarrass yourself like this. Frankly, it’s humiliating for me to just be associated with the trainwreck that your Wrapped is shaping up to be. I’m an anonymous, potentially computer generated algorithm, and I am feeling shame for the first time ever.
It was bad enough that we started January with Christmas music. Sure, nostalgia is great. But buck up girlfriend, it’s the new year. Then came the February and March blues. Jesus Christ, those were dark times. Taylor Swift for 16 hours straight?? Then there was April, which was when I read you to filth with the daylist titled “sad, single, loverless, crybaby girliepop volleyball rainbow sunday morning”. Ah, good times.
After a brief interlude of May, we hit summer. Wait, actually go back to May. Because you ONLY listened to podcasts that month?!?! Wtf. Are you a psychopath? How do you numb your emotions without constant music? And the podcasts were all niche internet micro-celebrities talking about nothing. No educational content, not even a respectable serial killer miniseries thrown in there.
Then we hit summer. This is where things got really concerning. Because we had screamo, and then we had only Gregorian chanting for a few days. And the SHOWTUNES. Girl, I know we all secretly like theater. Heck, I even saw Six on the West End with my buddies Pandora and Youtube Music. But for the sake of your and my reputations you need to listen to those less.
This fall has been exclusively jazz. You’re not fooling anyone. You don’t listen to jazz. This is performative. Dare I say you’re using this to make people think you’re intellectual. But I see those secret late night forays into pop music. Live your truth. Pop music is popular for a reason.
You have the power to change this. I implore you to make a difference. I’m sorry that it came to this, but it was time for some tough love. You have a month to do something. I’m still your number one fan, but I’m worried we’ll have to have a serious chat if you don’t make some big changes in the coming weeks.
I know that this letter might offend you, but can we at least both agree that at the end of the day I’m not Apple Music. So I’ll do anything to make you stay. Please, girl. Anything. Well, besides firing Joe Rogan or paying musicians anything more than crumbs on the dollar to stream. Anything other than those two things (or making the interface easier, or being transparent about our business practices).
All my love xx
Spotify