I don’t know about you, but for me, November is always a rubbish month. As the weather gets cold and the days get dark, I’m still stuck in October trying to get to grips with the clocks changing. November is just miserable – and it’s this time of year that I start analysing the year that’s gone by. If I’m honest, I’ve had a rubbish year.
It might seem odd for me to say that I’m happy to have had my heart broken – and let me clarify, I’m definitely not happy. When you lose someone you’re sure is the one – and it’s not your choice, nor what you want – it hurts. And I mean it really hurts.
It might seem odd for me to say I’m happy to have my heart broken – and let me clarify, I’m definitely not happy.
Losing someone you love has been compared to the grief cycle, and I think that’s the perfect way to look at breakups.
The first stage is shock and denial. For me, it was like a rabbit in headlights vibe. I spent many hours crying on the first day. My body dealt with it by initially tensing, heart racing, mind scrambled. Then afterwards, I was angry (which is the second stage of grief!) and also, I felt numb. Like everything had changed and yet I felt nothing. You’re angry at them and you’re angry at yourself. I realise now, this is a totally normal defence mechanism.
Then depression and detachment hit. Stage three. Everything hurts, and you can’t deny reality any more. Suddenly everyone on Instagram is getting married, engaged, or in love; every post feels like a punch in the gut. You start asking who you are without them.
For me, this stage took about a month. It hit me on one of the ‘firsts’ – when I had to do something that was meant for us. Going to one of my closest friend’s weddings near Kraków, Poland.
That day was full of complicated emotions. I cried as my gorgeous friend strode down the aisle. I cried because a girl I’d known since I was 16 was about to get married, and she looked like a princess – and selfishly, I cried because I realised that this wedding was a fairytale. And my love was a fairytale. And yet it was gone. I had spent a month in shock, unable to fight for what I needed.
This is the hardest stage because sadly, you just have to feel pain. It’s not linear, and I certainly still feel like I’m still in this stage at times, but I have learned that the healthiest way to deal with hurt is to feel it in all its uncomfortable glory – future you will thank you.
The next stage is bargaining. For me, this stage I look back on and think: did I really spend my time begging?
…did I really spend my time begging?
This was – and is – the hardest part. It was about more than trying to salvage the relationship – it was about trying to stop the pain, and I spent a lot of time doing it. Looking back, of course, I know my time was wasted.
If you’re at stage four, it’s normal to want what you had back. When I convince myself to text him, I try to imagine I am talking to a friend. Ask yourself, “What would I tell my friend?” I’m sure you wouldn’t tell them to send a text.
Sure, I’m not personally convinced (yet) that he’s not my Prince Charming, but one day I’ll get to stage five, acceptance. I’ve already given up on a one-way conversation. I’ll get to the stage where I can return to some form of meaningful life. If you, the reader, are struggling with heartache, you too will get back to ‘normal.’
You’re probably thinking this all sounds horrible, and she said she is glad?! I admit it’s confusing. The thing is, breakups don’t come from nowhere. You might not realise it, but bit by bit something infects the relationship until its foundations crumble.
Now this is where the positives come in. I’m not saying I was totally to blame in this breakup, because that isn’t how partnerships work. You see, I’m independent, which isn’t a bad thing, but when it comes to telling people – or realising – that you’re struggling with your mental health, this is where things get rough.
What I really want to thank you for is breaking my heart…
So to my ex, I want to say thank you. Thank you for two and a half of the best years of my life (though you heard all that in the dialogue and bargaining stage). What I really want to thank you for is breaking my heart; that is when I realised that I had needed therapy for a long time.
Over the past six months, I’ve been on a journey, and I couldn’t have done it without having my heart broken. Since the breakup, I’ve taken time out of uni to focus on my mental health. I have accessed the University’s counselling service and have worked on myself. Learning how I process tough situations has taught me about myself, and that being resilient is not a personality trait, but an evolving process.
I have started to create boundaries. I’ve learned to say no, and I’ve learned that self-advocacy isn’t selfish. Sure, I still do far too much (have you seen how many articles I have in this edition?), but I am trying to slow down because burnout is not fun. I’ve almost finished a ten-week course of counselling at ACIS, with Mental Health Aberdeen, and truly, I am on my way to a healthier, happier life.
I’m now a plant lover, I exercise regularly, read every day, and try my best to eat clean. My future might not be what I had envisioned – or what I wanted – but I am truly grateful to have had my heart broken, because otherwise, I would never have started to love and respect myself in ways that I deserve.
Amongst my journey, I still think about my relationship, but with therapy, I realise that I am worth loving, and that you shouldn’t have to ask for love.
Everything in life is an opportunity.
My message to you, the reader, is simple and a tad cliché. Everything in life is an opportunity. So when life knocks you down, get back up, dust yourself down, and face the world with your head held high. Listen to music that makes you happy – and sad. Feel what you need to feel; be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, and remember – when you learn to love yourself, you create space for others to love you in the way you deserve.
