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  • Writer's pictureThe Gaudie

I’m Jealous

Swimming in the dark green wave

Photo courtesy of Quasic

by Paige Hallows

Don’t worry, I’m not the type to deny facts. I’ve never been very good at hiding my emotions and I don’t sense I’ll be making much improvement in that area anytime soon. So, when it comes to jealousy, I’m not even going to bother trying to disguise it and act like I don’t care in the slightest, because I do. It just doesn’t have to be such a bad thing. 

Jealousy is a painful feeling. Anyone will say that, based on insecurities causing overwhelming emotions of anger, fear, disappointment, and clingy – relationship killing behaviour. But what about the green monster as a motivator?

I’ve used countless crushes dating slimmer girls to push me to go on runs. Learnt bits of Spanish to try and fit in with my boyfriend’s family, the way I know his ex could. Getting fit just to flaunt it in a bikini abroad. Even studying harder, working two jobs, so I could show my sister that she doesn’t always get to be the star in my mother’s eyes.It might not be the healthiest, but it makes me a healthier, higher achiever and nothing is more motivating than the thought of deserving, what all those little insecurities that jealousy provides tell you you don’t. 

If you’re in a solid relationship like I am, you’d expect jealousy to go away. I genuinely trust my significant other, but I can’t help that niggling irritation when men and women alike hit on him in bars or clubs – right in front of me. The urge to wrap my arms around him and death-stare my opponent until they look away is strong. But. He always just laughs it off, makes a joke to me, and my anger ebbs away. 

So, in a way, I really like that gorgeous girls in slinky tops and hot pants, or guys tattooed and pierced up under a sexy leather jacket, can flirt with him all they want, and I know he’s still choosing me. Jealousy is reassuring.

This is less a pro for me, but jealousy as a rule, is hot. Argue with me all you like but have you ever had a guy or girl get slightly protective when some random person starts to flirt? It’s reassuring to you as well as to them, that they actually care enough not to want to give this relationship up. 

It’s written out as a terrible, controlling, possessive emotion, hell-bent on crushing both parties with a suffocating blanket of fear and a need for reassurance, and as it’s so hard to control, that can be terrifying. It’s a human feeling and being able to use it to your benefit, rather than being pulled under by the current in an attempt to get out of the deep green water altogether, is the route I’ve found far more effective and satisfying. 

Honestly, I never got jealous with anyone before the guy I’m with now. And to me that runs in perfect parallel with the fact that even if I didn’t realise it back then, I’ve never loved anyone half as much.


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