By: ‘Pious Pete’
1 November 2025
FINALLY been appointed as Principal. Sure, it’s only for two years, but I’m the boss. Thirty-eight years here, who would have thought it? I was a great researcher – £20m in research grants – so promoting me to management was a no brainer. As VP for Regional Engagement, I was in charge of Digital Transformation which didn’t really happen, and also the Reimagining the Campus plan, which didn’t really happen, and also engagement with local communities, which… okay, but remember I was a great researcher! And I’m in charge now. Remember that. And if anyone calls you an interim – well, we’re going to have some words.
November to do: remind everyone I’m the boss.
November to don’t: let anyone tell you I’m not the boss.
17 December 2025
Lots of messy stuff going on with the university sector, time to assert some leadership here. I’ll be a kind leader, not a nice one! It’s obviously time for a massive restructure of our academic disciplines – at times of uncertainty, academics love questions about their value. Let’s couple that by stacking management with interim appointments, short-termers that have little concern about the future here, people who will simply say yes when I ask them to do stuff. That’ll stop people questioning whether I have legitimacy – they can target those questions to everyone else!
December to do: find me a loyal number 2 that I can give all the dirty work to.
December to don’t: look too much like the Grinch in holiday photos.
6 January 2026
New year, new Aber-MEAN, let’s get this ship moving! I should get in touch with the interim senior governor, make sure he’s on board with the programme. Let’s try to make him the poster boy for the change – he can carry the can, and get all the emails about it. Moving Nick from VP Research can’t be help, but he’s definitely the right guy to be number two – the Muttley to my Dick Dastardly. I can bring him to all the school meetings, and he can sit in the corner and look tough while I blame our financial problems on everything from Brexit and immigration to the Scottish Government. Big boys done it and run away! Nothing to do with us! People won’t remember I’ve been part of the management here for ages, and we could have done something long before now, right? Don’t answer questions – dart off for photo opportunities instead.
January to do: keep rejecting interviews with The Gaudie.
January to don’t: accept any interview requests from The Gaudie.
4 February 2026
Time to kick on. Let’s send the faculty proposal to Senate and pretend it hasn’t already been decided that this is what we’re doing. Put as little evidence or data in it as possible. When they complain, we can say it’s not their job – and then I can get Gary to tell everyone how much Senate are the bad guys that keep blocking change. It’s been fun to see the Heads of School start to get organised, but they’re way too late. We’ll promote the most loyal ones to head up the faculties, and the rest can go back to doing some research. Will that impact their morale? Have the other Nick send out some kind of token ‘wellbeing concern’ message. He’s still interim too – classic stuff.
February to do: make lots of noise about going to the campus in Mumbai.
February to don’t: tell anyone you flew business class.
12 March 2026
Town Hall meeting with staff. Any time anyone asks anything remotely critical, have the university secretary claim they are being disrespectful. Let Nick waffle on about SSRs and how we’ve been arranging this with other universities. Get Nick to filter out the difficult online questions. Oh, and only let men in the room ask questions until the very last one – and even then, have a woman fight to get the mic. Blame the press for inaccurate stories, but refuse to provide any details that will demonstrate their falseness. Unpause half of the promotions, and then say the union are being unreasonable. And under no circumstances rule out compulsory redundancies.
19 March 2026
Then onto Senate. Let the university secretary tie herself in knots over the interpretation of who does what and when in the restructure process. Claim legal advice supports this, and face down critics in Senate. Get Gary to say how disappointed he is that they are so focused on process and not outcomes. Get the university secretary to redirect all angry emails to court members rather than senior management.
March to do: farm out all the public-facing, challenging stuff to colleagues.
March to don’t: any media whatsoever.
1 April 2026
This is it. The big court meeting at the end of the month. I think the union plans some more strikes, but it’ll be too late. We’ve got this in the bag. Gary is cleverly directing questions to his public statement and not engaging in discussions. Nick continues to waffle away until the break of dawn, eating up all the time until no one can challenge anything. Fraser is showing he’s a man of the people by competing in the boat race. Joanne is… somewhere? I don’t really know, but honestly, things seem to work fine when she’s not here anyway. ACS is basically a done deal – all we’ve got to do is cruise to the end of April, and it’s over.
April to do: leave all the ACS stuff to everyone else.
April to don’t: engage in any discussions on ACS.
This is very scarily accurate on so many fronts!