By Khreshnee Thayabaran
“WHERE’S THE LAMB SAUCE!?!?!?”
These were the iconic words that the chef GOD Gordon Ramsey uttered in Season 2 Episode 5 of Hell’s Kitchen, more specifically at 28 minutes and 4 seconds. The feeling and pain in his face mid squat resonated with me in ways that I could not understand at that moment, but a few seconds later I realised I learnt something new about myself.
I’m kind of into Gordon Ramsay’s creative abuse in the workplace.
Now this isn’t a proclamation of my undying love for the man, I just happen to have strong feelings of desire associated with his chefness. His rage is targeted and artisanal, his screams not misguided but meaningful. Somewhere between “YOU DONKEY” and witnessing his breakdown over another poorly cooked risotto, something inside me stirred. Not arousal- God, no way. Respect. Maybe even fear (in a good way). I started to fantasise myself in that kitchen, gripping onto my frying pan like it was my last shred of dignity not in hope for praise, but the chance that he would acknowledge my existence and my potential.
It was at this moment I realised that I responded alarmingly well to aggressive mentorship (specifically Gordon Ramsay’s), it really gets me going. By that I mean my productivity. Obviously…
Of course this is not ideal. It isn’t something I can mention to my colleagues (through experience) or explain to loved ones (they said they couldn’t believe we were related), especially not my boyfriend who may feel disturbed (he said he had second thoughts about us). Even worse, this whole thing is suggestive to the fact that I would thrive in an environment that most HR departments would classify as “a lawsuit waiting to happen” which may paint me as a strange oversharing employee (was the label on my office Secret Santa present). But I just can’t stop thinking of Gordon’s shouts across the room at the terrified chefs. His passionate wails that yet another beef wellington is RAW! makes me want to undercook meat, just so he can use my name and raw in the same sentence.
I made the mistake of mentioning these views to my boss at my last job. She looked shocked and I was very rapidly fired, which made sense because I later discovered she was Gordon’s mother. In my defence, she kept her maiden name, so I literally had no way of knowing. I also did not have time to ask for an autograph which was a shame. Anyway, this meant that I had to look for new means of work- I need to keep my Amazon Prime subscription to fuel my Gordon obsession. I’ve started applying to places with awful employee reviews. This is not to say that I have a kink for that sort of toxic environment, no way. I was just inspired by how Gordon dominates his potential executive chefs of his newest LA restaurants. They made a difference with their life and well, quite frankly, I want to do the same. It won’t be as realistic without Gordon there to scream at me, but I figured it would have the same exciting effect. I am now working 80-hour weeks even though I asked for a minimum of 30, but as a sous chef I like to think what would happen if Gordon randomly swanned into work. That’s why I put up with this. On my 12th hour of work on one particularly slow day, I satisfied myself with thinking what would happen if I was in Hell’s Kitchen. I had to stop because the thought of Gordon’s veins looking visible on his head distracted me from my job.
This confession is not a desire I intend to explore further. I stopped contacting his mother and decided to acknowledge it, like a personality flaw or an allergy. We all carry things after all.