By Horseshoe Jibbons
9:00 A.M.: Wake up from a stress dream where you had to audition for Saturday Night Live at the last minute. You had nothing prepared, no one laughed, and Lorne Michaels asked you if one of your jokes was supposed to be funny. You are confused as to why you had that stress dream when you have important things going on, like starting your honours year thesis. When you wake up, you know deep in your heart that it is probably the most realistic dream you’ll ever have.
10:00 A.M.: Look at a picture of Andy Samberg. Go mmmmmmm.
11:00 A.M.: Look at the news. Think about how you can make tariffs funny. You can’t, you’re not very good. Oh well.
12:00 P.M.: Back to Andy Samberg edits. Mmmmmmmm.
1:00 P.M.: Think about the article you have to write by the end of the day. You are in public but you have to look up what different parts of a gun are called. You hope anyone who sees your laptop knows you aren’t insane.
2:00 P.M.: Tell an interested writer that they can’t be racist. Explain that it isn’t pushing the envelope, it’s just racism.
3:00 P.M.: Gossip about that weirdo.
4:00 P.M.: Andy Samberg SNL highlights compilation video. Giggle and kick feet.
5:00 P.M.: See the new casting and writing announcements for the 51st season of Saturday Night Live and think about how that could never be you because of how poorly your dream audition went. Lorne probably knows deep in his soul that he hates you already. He’d probably push you into oncoming traffic.
6:00 P.M.: Think about the article you still need to write. Decide that watching a comedy is basically studying and do that instead. New Girl can be educational, right?
7:00 P.M.: Wonder if you should go blonde. What? Satire isn’t your whole life, you have other things going on.
8:00 P.M.: Realise you haven’t written anything for your article. Think about how accurate your SNL dream was. Write that down.
9:00 P.M.: Procrastinate writing your well-thought out and clever article by writing about your day in a pretentious, meta way.
10:00 P.M.: Crap. You have way more written on your procrastination article than on your other one. Do you suck? Seems likely.
11:00 P.M.: Give up on your other article and accept that you’ll be turning in whatever this is. You hope Lorne Michaels never sees this. It’s okay, you had a good run for a while there.
1:00 AM: Go to bed. Hope to get a normal dream tonight, like your usual “I was chosen for the Hunger Games and I have to win by doing Sudoku” night terrors.