By Minaal Imran
Welcome to university! Within 48 hours, you’ll be crying in a Lidl aisle over overpriced cheese and pretending you know what a module is. Trust me: you need this. You need /me/. Your first year is a delicate balance of blind confidence and catastrophic decisions. And yes, I am totally qualified to speak on this matter.
Survival tip: Don’t question my credentials — or anyone’s for that matter.
Airport to Overdraft in 3 Easy Steps
Arrive in Aberdeen. Skip the campus tours and let Google Maps lead you astray. Pick up your student ID (mugshot era) and accommodation keys. Welcome to your new home: half the size of the airport bathroom you just left. Unpack those “essentials” you’ll never use, make a shopping list and overspend wildly. Good job, you’ve aced your first unofficial module: Advanced Financial Regret 101.
Survival tip: If you don’t feel a little sick looking at your bank balance, you’re doing freshers wrong.
A Fresher Without a Fair
Fresher’s Fair: the unskippable, optional event. The sacred pilgrimage to freebies. Of course, everyone is going, and so are you! Except… the good stuff will be gone before you get there. Free tote bags? Not in your (or my) destiny. What can I say? My all-knowing fresher crown is chipped. So, you’re on your own with that. Godspeed, soldier.
Survival tip: No free tote bag? Just drag around your existential dread instead.
Small Talk Purgatory
Brace yourself for the same old boring questions you will be asked: What’s your name? What are you studying? Where are you from? Beware! You’ve been caught in a friendship summoning ritual.
Your goal? Be different! Ask them what colour their microwave is. What do they want to be when they grow up? On a scale of one to ten, how cute do they think you are? They’ll never forget you! No matter how hard they try.
Survival tip: Confuse them now, bond later. You won’t remember them, but their nightmares will remember you.
Did Someone Say Night Outs?
Our highly anticipated topic…night outs. WOOHOO! The fresher rite of passage where you lose your dignity, ID and half your flatmates in one night. I know about those… in theory. Practically I’ve never been. Too much of a homebody. Dodged a bullet on those core memories, whew! I’ll wait for you to tell me all about it. Call me! (I’m kidding, please do not do that.)
Survival tip: Pace yourself, you’ll need energy to pretend you’re having fun.
Caffeine Increases Aura
You’ve started the term and are in the midst of your first caffeine-induced identity crisis? No worries! Shaky hands and a racing heart at 2:00 a.m. is now just another Tuesday.
You’re scrubbing the sink like your life depends on it, replaying that one conversation where you said “you too” when someone said “have a good meal.” Let your flatmates judge you!
Show up 15 minutes late to a lecture, teary-eyed, and own your walk of shame. Get people talking. Fame? Unlocked.
Survival tip: Mainline coffee until you smell colours, then reorganise your flat’s cutlery drawer at 3:17 a.m. to claim territory.
Life Skills You Wish You Had
My expertise? Somewhere between getting ripped off by Circuit Laundry every week and cooking the same two meals on rotation. Not too shabby if you asked me.
Laundry: Clothes in the washer? Check. Go to your room, maybe hoover the flat. Return exactly 17 seconds after the cycle ends — boom. Someone’s dumped your freshly washed clothes on the floor. Revenge protocol engaged: dump their clothes out of the dryer and put yours in. Keep the chain going, soldier. Eye for an eye, and soon the whole laundrette will be blind.
Cooking: You’ve got this. Following a recipe? That’s for the weak. You’ve got muscle memory and both your eyes (for now) to eyeball seasoning. Ten minutes later, the rice is glued to the pan like modern art, the chicken…well, it’s evolving, and the sauce has staged its escape. You’ve invented a new life form. Congratulations, Chef! Book your MasterChef audition immediately.
Survival tip: Win laundry with intimidation; survive cooking with fire alarms.
Cupid’s Confused in Aberdeen
Locked eyes with someone in a lecture? Your first university crush! Just imagine it: the two of you sharing a flat, attending lectures side by side, feeding each other burnt spaghetti. Do I hear wedding bells? They could be the one! It’s all sounding so perfec—oh. Someone cute just walked by. Welp. Time to daydream about this one instead. Statistically, you’ll do this four more times this week.
Survival tip: Crushes are seasonal. Rotate to avoid emotional spoilage.
Revision Tips! Buffers to Breakdowns!
Not to worry: you know all about revision, don’t you? Remember those awful A-Level exams? Blegh. No more cozy home distractions with your mum bringing you fruit while you revise, or your dad giving pep talks. So annoying! Haha…No.
You may have a midterm, but your flatmates don’t.
TURN THOSE SPEAKERS UP, IT’S PARTY TIME (for them, not you, silly – retire to the headquarters of academic victims).
Step 1: Open your laptop and lock in. Find notes you definitely wrote at that 9am you weren’t half-asleep for.
Step 2: 40-page PDF? Find the PERFECT ‘Study With Me’ YouTube video. (No – not that one.) Rain sounds only.
Step 3: READ. First two lines.
Step 4: PAUSE! Complain. Cry.
Step 5: Check uni friends’ stories. Get FOMO. Spiral.
Step 6: Learn a TikTok dance. Break needed.
Step 7: Stare at notes… then the void.
Let the brainrot kick in.
“Am I…better than everyone?”
Blink. It passes.
Step 8: Consider becoming a study influencer. You’re soooo academic.
Step 9: Nourish your soul with a sad pasta dish (your only recipe)…and call it a night.
Midterm over? Great! Radiating blind confidence with almost no work done? Check. Finals? Same game, but harder. Remember grades define your entire self-worth and getting into university wasn’t enough of an accomplishment. Late-night library sessions, caffeine IV drip, and the delusion that you’ve mastered acid-base reactions are all you have.
Then reality taps you on the shoulder:
“Wait…why does any of this matter?”
Boredom’s right behind:
“I deserve a sweet treat.”
Exhaustion follows:
“Maybe I should rest. I already know everything.”
Cue the final reckoning. Results day dawns. You get a B1.
Not bad… or is it? Is this what you’re settling for? B-grade student??
Survival tip: Memorise acids, forget your worries, and treat every TikTok dance as a secret mnemonic device.
Parting Shots
Don’t stress it, mate. No one is perfect (except me). We’re all trying our best, and even fictional characters have rough academic days. Like Rory Gilmore…‘Why did you drop out of Yale?’ (Seriously, Rory?). But you? You’re in Aberdeen, the best university in the world, obviously. How dare you even consider dropping out? You’ve made it this far, now live it up. You’re not in the real world yet, so enjoy this mediocre, delusional, ‘better-than-everyone’ life while it lasts. Live, laugh, launder, and learn… if you want.
Survival tip: You’ve got this. Or maybe you don’t. Either way, I was incredibly helpful. You’re welcome.