Many years ago in the city of Boca Raton, Florida, an angel was born: Me. Due to my immense talent and general perfection I was placed in an acting school where I met Miss Gina, an acting teacher who happened to have also taught Ariana Grande. This is where the similarities (and my long running very double-sided feud) began.
At age 9, a boy at camp told me I looked like Ariana Grande and I yelled at him. Looking back, I obviously did that because no one’s looks or star power could be compared to mine. In the fourth grade, I played Glinda in a production of Wicked put on by that same acting teacher. I was amazing and completely stole the show. I was only 10 years old when I played Glinda and it took Ariana Grande how many years….? Exactly.
At age 10 I also played Dorothy in a short parody film of The Wizard of Oz that my friends and I wrote and produced. It was a big year for me.
Ariana Grande and I have many similarities, for instance, we both sometimes wear our hair in a ponytail. One of us had to wear extensions and I’ll tell you what, it wasn’t me. While Ariana Grande was at Pine Crest School, a private school, I attended public school. This makes me more in touch with the people and therefore I am better suited to be an empathetic actress who can connect with general audiences.
Do we all remember when Ariana Grande randomly spoke AAVE for a few years? I never did that. I sound like a valley girl, like all white women from Boca Raton should. Really though, what was up with that Ari? Speaking of bad decisions, I understand why she dated Pete Davidson, I do, but I would not date him and neither would Glinda. I am clearly much more true to character. I’ve also never been divorced, just putting that out there. Ariana Grande has said that her dream dinner guest, dead or alive, would be Jeffrey Dahmer. I personally am against murder and would not invite him for dinner.
As I’m sure you, dear reader, can agree, the only reason I didn’t get the part of Glinda is due to my age. I would look too young next to the other actors who are all at least in their 30s. It just wouldn’t make sense. I understand that, of course. However, if they wanted this movie to succeed they should have recast every other actor to be around my age. The camera loves me and my talent is truly unmatched. Ariana Grande is a suitable replacement I suppose, but it just won’t be the same without me. You win this round, Ari. At least they didn’t use Millie Bobby Brown, don’t even get me started on her…
