Now that summer has passed, I would like to look back on the art of holidaying and give my tips on how to holiday authentically. Brits get a lot of hate for their holiday style, but I think you can get a lot out of a holiday that way.
The first thing is the airport. When going through security you should take everything out of your bag apart from your full stanley cup and vape. Even if there is no instruction to, you must take your shoes off. This makes it easier for when you inevitably get stopped. Some people find getting stopped at security inconvenient and annoying but I love it. The thrill of being chosen. I always ask why they chose me and if they think I look like I could pull off a crime.
You have to find an airport with a Weatherspoons or an Irish pub. This is the key to starting your holiday right. A delicious meal of pub grub and some Guinness before you go on the plane is absolutely necessary. It’s your last taste of home after all.
Once on the plane you have to have as many beers as the flight attendant will let you. This is a package holiday so you can afford to be incoherent as someone will scoop you off the plane and right into your accommodation
Once at your accommodation it’s time to head to the closest hole in the wall pub for a nice local dinner. You pass by Murphy’s on your walk. The sign outside says they do full English breakfasts on a Sunday and fish and chips on a Friday. ‘Perfect,’ you think as you walk in. You eat gammon, chips and eggs whilst watching BBC News.
Your accommodation is a half-hour drive away from the bustling cultural capital of the country but you’ll ignore that for the week. Your week will be packed and you’ll be far too busy to see any of the sights.
In the mornings, you’ll wake and have eggy bread and bacon, you should make a point of complaining about the bread and the taste of the milk. Then you’ll make your way to the pool. The pool should overlook the beach as if you are swimming in the sea but you’re not.
God forbid. You should drink the local beer by the pool and read some crime novels, maybe even one set in Glasgow. In the afternoon you have to go for a nap, when in Rome after all. The sun is just unbearable in the afternoon so it’s absolutely acceptable to go back to your room and sleep.
Once you wake up you should head into the closest town for dinner, something nice and a bit different from what you’re used to. Pizza, maybe or pasta, even. Randomly enough, the place you’re eating is an Irish or northern soul pub. So, you’ll speak English the whole time and even treat yourself to some karaoke afterwards.
Perfect British holiday complete.
