By Marlee Silverman<\/p>\n
Out with the old, in with the even older<\/b><\/p>\n
Get ready b*tches because we are bringing back an old trend in a brand new way. Taking over TikTok, medieval torture methods are the current hottest trend, and not just because of all the hot coals. Move over pilates, medieval torture is back and it\u2019s here to stay. This modern twist doesn\u2019t have any of the gross plagues and dirty peasants, it\u2019s all about body positivity; so get your besties, your iced matchas, your favorite Lululemon set, and get ready!<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Get that dancer-like stretch with The Rack<\/b><\/p>\n Hot yoga and pilates not stretching you out the way you really want? We hear you sister. With The Rack, someone else does all the work for you. All you have to do is lay back with your hands and feet tied, and in minutes your muscles will be pulled like taffy on a hot day. Your spine will be stretched and decompressed, which has immeasurable health benefits. Soon, you\u2019ll be ready for The Royal Ballet.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Get baby smooth skin with Rat Torture exfoliation<\/b><\/p>\n Serums and chemical exfoliants can have harsh chemicals that seep into your blood stream and mess with your hormones. All the hot girls know that physical exfoliation is the way to go. With Rat Torture, get rid of dead skin in an all natural way. Girls who care about the environment need not worry about microplastics from those artificial exfoliants because Rat Torture is totally natural. Don\u2019t worry PETA, the Rat Torture treatment is symbiotic in nature. They eat all the dirty dead skin off the client, leaving them baby smooth. In return, the Rats get a lovely meal.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Drain your lymphatic system with The Wheel<\/b><\/p>\n Puffy face and swollen arms getting you down? \u201cSpin\u201d that lymphatic blockage out of your system with The Wheel. Based on medical research, the spinning causes your lymph nodes to activate and collect lymph fluid due to the centripetal force on the body. Along with reducing puffiness and helping you look your hottest, lymphatic drainage from The Wheel can also help when sick by clearing sinuses.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Save time from acupuncture with the Iron Maiden<\/b><\/p>\n Traditional acupuncture can be boring and time intensive. Most people don\u2019t have time to lay on a table for two hours each week getting poked with thin, tiny needles for minimal results over a long period of time. Instead, the Iron Maiden gives the benefits of six months of acupuncture therapy in just one minute! Because the Iron Maiden has spikes that will puncture every part of the body, it is essentially a full body wellness retreat that doesn\u2019t take time away from the important things in life.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Stick to your diet with the Tongue Tearer<\/b><\/p>\n The Tongue Tearer is the newest thing being used as a healthy alternative to Ozempic. No more dangerous chemicals being put into your body, just removing a useless old muscle. With the Tongue Tearer, sticking to diets and losing weight has never been easier. No cravings to give into if you can\u2019t taste food anyway! And don\u2019t worry about that tongue, it’s just dead weight. <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Marlee Silverman Out with the old, in with the even older Get ready b*tches because we are bringing back an old trend in a brand new way. Taking over TikTok, medieval torture methods are the current hottest trend, and not just because of all the hot coals. Move over pilates, medieval torture is back […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":49,"featured_media":7223,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"advgb_blocks_editor_width":"","advgb_blocks_columns_visual_guide":"","tdm_status":"","tdm_grid_status":"","iawp_total_views":5,"footnotes":""},"categories":[85],"tags":[320,886],"wf_post_folders":[228],"class_list":["post-7222","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-satire","tag-marlee-silverman","tag-satire"],"acf":[],"author_meta":{"display_name":"Gaudie Staff","author_link":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/author\/gaudie-staff\/"},"featured_img":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Carl-Hassmann-via-Library-of-Congress-lookandlearn.com--300x204.jpg","coauthors":[],"tax_additional":{"categories":{"linked":["Satire<\/a>"],"unlinked":["Satire<\/span>"]},"tags":{"linked":["Marlee Silverman<\/a>","satire<\/a>"],"unlinked":["Marlee Silverman<\/span>","satire<\/span>"]}},"comment_count":"0","relative_dates":{"created":"Posted 11 months ago","modified":"Updated 6 months ago"},"absolute_dates":{"created":"Posted on 9 November 2025","modified":"Updated on 5 April 2026"},"absolute_dates_time":{"created":"Posted on 9 November 2025 16:22","modified":"Updated on 5 April 2026 16:24"},"featured_img_caption":"Carl Hassmann via Library of Congress","series_order":"","amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7222","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/49"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7222"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7222\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7224,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7222\/revisions\/7224"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7223"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7222"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7222"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7222"},{"taxonomy":"wf_post_folders","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/wf_post_folders?post=7222"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}