By Minaal Imran<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Welcome to university! Within 48 hours, you\u2019ll be crying in a Lidl aisle over overpriced cheese and pretending you know what a module is. Trust me: you need this. You need \/<\/span>me<\/span><\/i>\/. Your first year is a delicate balance of blind confidence and catastrophic decisions. And yes, I am totally qualified to speak on this matter.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Survival tip: Don\u2019t question my credentials \u2014 or anyone’s for that matter.<\/span><\/p>\n Airport to Overdraft in 3 Easy Steps<\/b><\/p>\n Arrive in Aberdeen. Skip the campus tours and let Google Maps lead you astray. Pick up your student ID (mugshot era) and accommodation keys. Welcome to your new home: half the size of the airport bathroom you just left. Unpack those \u201cessentials\u201d you\u2019ll never use, make a shopping list and overspend wildly. <\/span>Good job, you\u2019ve aced your first unofficial module: Advanced Financial Regret 101.<\/span><\/p>\n Survival tip: If you don\u2019t feel a little sick looking at your bank balance, you\u2019re doing freshers wrong.<\/span><\/p>\n A Fresher Without a Fair<\/b><\/p>\n Fresher’s Fair: the unskippable, optional event. The sacred pilgrimage to freebies. Of course, everyone is going, and so are you! Except\u2026 the good stuff will be gone before you get there. Free tote bags? Not in your (or my) destiny. What can I say? My all-knowing fresher crown is chipped. So, you\u2019re on your own with that. Godspeed, soldier.<\/span><\/p>\n Survival tip: No free tote bag? Just drag around your existential dread instead.<\/span><\/p>\n Small Talk Purgatory<\/b><\/p>\n Brace yourself for the same old boring questions you will be asked: What\u2019s your name? What are you studying? Where are you from? Beware! You\u2019ve been caught in a friendship summoning ritual.<\/span><\/p>\n Your goal? Be different! Ask them what colour their microwave is. What do they want to be when they grow up? On a scale of one to ten, how cute do they think you are? They\u2019ll never forget you! No matter how hard they try.<\/span><\/p>\n Survival tip: Confuse them now, bond later. You won\u2019t remember them, but their nightmares will remember you.<\/span>\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n Did Someone Say Night Outs?\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n Our highly anticipated topic…night outs. WOOHOO! The fresher rite of passage where you lose your dignity, ID and half your flatmates in one night. I know about those\u2026 in theory. Practically I’ve never been. Too much of a homebody. Dodged a bullet on those core memories, whew! I\u2019ll wait for you to tell me all about it. Call me! (I\u2019m kidding, please do not do that.)\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Survival tip: Pace yourself, you\u2019ll need energy to pretend you\u2019re having fun.<\/span><\/p>\n Caffeine Increases Aura<\/b><\/p>\n You\u2019ve started the term and are in the midst of your first caffeine-induced identity crisis? No worries! Shaky hands and a racing heart at 2:00 a.m. is now just another Tuesday.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n You\u2019re scrubbing the sink like your life depends on it, replaying that one conversation where you said \u201cyou too\u201d when someone said \u201chave a good meal.\u201d Let your flatmates judge you!<\/span><\/p>\n Show up 15 minutes late to a lecture, teary-eyed, and own your walk of shame. Get people talking. Fame? Unlocked.<\/span><\/p>\n Survival tip: Mainline coffee until you smell colours, then reorganise your flat\u2019s cutlery drawer at 3:17 a.m. to claim territory.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Life Skills You Wish You Had<\/b><\/p>\n My expertise? Somewhere between getting ripped off by Circuit Laundry every week and cooking the same two meals on rotation. Not too shabby if you asked me.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Laundry: Clothes in the washer? Check. Go to your room, maybe hoover the flat. Return exactly 17 seconds after the cycle ends \u2014 boom. Someone\u2019s dumped your freshly washed clothes on the floor. Revenge protocol engaged: dump <\/span>their<\/span><\/i> clothes out of the dryer and put yours in. Keep the chain going, soldier. Eye for an eye, and soon the whole laundrette will be blind.<\/span><\/p>\n Cooking: You\u2019ve got this. Following a recipe? That\u2019s for the weak. You\u2019ve got muscle memory and both your eyes (for now) to eyeball seasoning. Ten minutes later, the rice is glued to the pan like modern art, the chicken\u2026well, it\u2019s evolving, and the sauce has staged its escape. You\u2019ve invented a new life form. Congratulations, Chef! Book your MasterChef audition immediately.<\/span><\/p>\n Survival tip: Win laundry with intimidation; survive cooking with fire alarms.<\/span><\/p>\n Cupid\u2019s Confused in Aberdeen<\/b><\/p>\n Locked eyes with someone in a lecture? Your first university crush! Just imagine it: the two of you sharing a flat, attending lectures side by side, feeding each other burnt spaghetti. Do I hear wedding bells? They could be the one! It\u2019s all sounding so perfec\u2014oh. Someone cute just walked by. Welp. Time to daydream about this one instead. Statistically, you\u2019ll do this four more times this week.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Survival tip: <\/span>Crushes are seasonal. Rotate to avoid emotional spoilage.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Revision Tips! Buffers to Breakdowns!<\/b><\/p>\n Not to worry: you know all about revision, don\u2019t you? Remember those awful A-Level exams? Blegh. No more cozy home distractions with your mum bringing you fruit while you revise, or your dad giving pep talks. So annoying! Haha\u2026No.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/span>You may have a midterm, but your flatmates don\u2019t.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n TURN THOSE SPEAKERS UP, IT\u2019S PARTY TIME <\/b>(for them, not you, silly – retire to the headquarters of academic victims).<\/span><\/p>\n Step 1<\/b>: Open your laptop and lock in. Find notes you definitely wrote at that 9am you weren\u2019t half-asleep for.<\/span><\/p>\n Step 2<\/b>: 40-page PDF? Find the PERFECT \u2018Study With Me\u2019 YouTube video. (No – not that one.) Rain sounds only.<\/span><\/p>\n Step 3<\/b>: READ. First two lines.<\/span><\/p>\n Step 4<\/b>: <\/span>PAUSE!<\/span><\/i>\u00a0Complain. Cry.<\/span><\/p>\n Step 5<\/b>: Check uni friends\u2019 stories. Get FOMO. Spiral.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Step 6<\/b>: Learn a TikTok dance. Break needed.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Step 7<\/b>: Stare at notes\u2026 then the void.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Let the brainrot kick in.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cAm I\u2026better than everyone?\u201d<\/span><\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Blink<\/span>.<\/span><\/i> It passes.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Step 8<\/b>: Consider becoming a study influencer. You\u2019re soooo academic.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Step 9<\/b>: Nourish your soul with a sad pasta dish (your only recipe)\u2026and call it a night.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Midterm over? Great! Radiating blind confidence with almost no work done? Check. Finals? Same game, but harder. Remember grades define your <\/span>entire self-worth<\/span><\/i> and getting into university wasn\u2019t enough of an accomplishment. Late-night library sessions, caffeine IV drip, and the delusion that you\u2019ve mastered acid-base reactions are all you have.<\/span><\/p>\n Then reality taps you on the shoulder:<\/span> Boredom\u2019s right behind:<\/span> Exhaustion follows:<\/span> \u00a0<\/span>Cue the final reckoning. Results day dawns. You get a B1.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Not bad\u2026 or is it? Is this what you\u2019re settling for? B-grade student??\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/span>Survival tip: Memorise acids, forget your worries, and treat every TikTok dance as a secret mnemonic device.<\/span><\/p>\n Parting Shots<\/b><\/p>\n Don\u2019t stress it, mate. No one is perfect (except me). We’re all trying our best, and even fictional characters have rough academic days. Like Rory Gilmore\u2026\u2018Why did you drop out of Yale?\u2019 (Seriously, Rory?). But you? You’re in Aberdeen, the best university in the world, obviously. How dare you even consider dropping out? You\u2019ve made it this far, now live it up. You\u2019re not in the real world yet, so enjoy this mediocre, delusional, \u2018better-than-everyone\u2019 life while it lasts. <\/span>Live, laugh, launder, and learn\u2026 if you want.<\/span><\/p>\n Survival tip: You’ve got this. Or maybe you don\u2019t. Either way, I was incredibly helpful. You\u2019re welcome.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Minaal Imran Welcome to university! Within 48 hours, you\u2019ll be crying in a Lidl aisle over overpriced cheese and pretending you know what a module is. Trust me: you need this. You need \/me\/. Your first year is a delicate balance of blind confidence and catastrophic decisions. And yes, I am totally qualified […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":49,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"advgb_blocks_editor_width":"","advgb_blocks_columns_visual_guide":"","tdm_status":"","tdm_grid_status":"","iawp_total_views":5,"footnotes":""},"categories":[85],"tags":[1539,886],"wf_post_folders":[228],"class_list":["post-6749","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-satire","tag-minaal-imran","tag-satire"],"acf":[],"author_meta":{"display_name":"Gaudie Staff","author_link":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/author\/gaudie-staff\/"},"featured_img":null,"coauthors":[],"tax_additional":{"categories":{"linked":["Satire<\/a>"],"unlinked":["Satire<\/span>"]},"tags":{"linked":["Minaal Imran<\/a>","satire<\/a>"],"unlinked":["Minaal Imran<\/span>","satire<\/span>"]}},"comment_count":"0","relative_dates":{"created":"Posted 1 year ago","modified":"Updated 9 months ago"},"absolute_dates":{"created":"Posted on 1 September 2025","modified":"Updated on 9 January 2026"},"absolute_dates_time":{"created":"Posted on 1 September 2025 13:41","modified":"Updated on 9 January 2026 13:42"},"featured_img_caption":"","series_order":"","amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6749","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/49"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6749"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6749\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6754,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6749\/revisions\/6754"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6749"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6749"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6749"},{"taxonomy":"wf_post_folders","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/wf_post_folders?post=6749"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n<\/span>\u201cWait\u2026why does any of this matter?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n
\n<\/span>\u201cI deserve a sweet treat.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n
\n<\/span>\u201cMaybe I should rest. I already know everything.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n