{"id":5575,"date":"2025-02-12T22:43:35","date_gmt":"2025-02-12T22:43:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/?p=5575"},"modified":"2025-06-16T22:44:43","modified_gmt":"2025-06-16T21:44:43","slug":"cover-letter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/satire\/2025\/02\/12\/cover-letter\/","title":{"rendered":"Cover letter"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Deepti Rose<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Compassion. Foresight. Raw sexuality. These were the spirits that guided me down from the astral plane. As I entered this world bathed in the invisible light of the Universe, absorbing their final words before my soul entered my current vessel, I knew my calling was to be a chef for Big Manny\u2019s Pizza. Their lingering whispers have haunted me throughout my childhood and guided my every move, bringing me to this application. <\/span>As per your requirements, I am willing to examine the darkest corners of human nature<\/strong> (perversions, shadows, shattered hopes and dreams, etc.)<\/strong> and present them back to society in a way that will be palatable. I have spent my 20 years on this Earth looking ceaselessly inward, turning over every cell in my body and seeing the desires of the cosmos reflected in the tide pools of my soul. I will attempt to explain my insights to you.<\/span><\/p>\n

We must not waste our precious time on this spinning rock shying away from what we all know in our hearts \u2500 the energy of the infinitely expanding universe seeks to guide us each to our fast approaching destinies, if only we are open to it. Unfortunately, the present generation has lost its ability to truly <\/span>See<\/span><\/i>. I believe I am meant to guide them. I have achieved my enlightenment through a mixture of exhaustive self reflection, communing with spirits of those long passed, and licking certain species of frogs in the woods. I now believe I am ready to share my revelations.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

They are as follows:<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. The past is a series of parallel mirrors, endlessly reflecting the light of the present until the future is able to join it.<\/span>
    \n<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. The sacred sexual act momentarily allows us to close the gap between the Ones Above and ourselves. When such an opportunity is presented, we must humble ourselves before Their divinity while acknowledging the power They have allowed us to wield.<\/span>
    \n<\/span><\/li>\n
  3. The True future is lost among the endless possibilities, but as each atom in our bodies spins and dances we lose a falsehood and the image sharpens infinitesimally.<\/span>
    \n<\/span><\/li>\n
  4. The only true gods we have are each other.<\/span>
    \n<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    The rest of my findings are not yet prepared for the unseeing gaze of the public, but they will make themselves known in time. Meanwhile, I need a job and you offer paid vacations. I believe my previous experience as class representative for Level 2 Psychology and beneficiary of a fraction of divine omnipotence will be able to benefit your team and contribute positively to your efforts. I have no qualms with the whole selling data thing, as all the energy we put out into the Universe is interconnected in the glittering web of fate anyways. I will also graciously accept the 100k a year plus benefits as compensation for my services.<\/span><\/p>\n

    I do not eagerly anticipate your response; I am aware of the future that has been written for me, and I await it patiently and with grace.<\/span><\/p>\n

    I expect you know where to find me. <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    By Deepti Rose Compassion. Foresight. Raw sexuality. These were the spirits that guided me down from the astral plane. As I entered this world bathed in the invisible light of the Universe, absorbing their final words before my soul entered my current vessel, I knew my calling was to be a chef for Big Manny\u2019s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":49,"featured_media":5577,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"advgb_blocks_editor_width":"","advgb_blocks_columns_visual_guide":"","tdm_status":"","tdm_grid_status":"","iawp_total_views":10,"footnotes":""},"categories":[85],"tags":[886],"wf_post_folders":[228],"class_list":{"0":"post-5575","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-satire","8":"tag-satire"},"acf":[],"author_meta":{"display_name":"Gaudie Staff","author_link":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/author\/gaudie-staff\/"},"featured_img":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/06\/Photo-credit_-kellepics-on-pixabay-300x170.jpg","coauthors":[],"tax_additional":{"categories":{"linked":["Satire<\/a>"],"unlinked":["Satire<\/span>"]},"tags":{"linked":["satire<\/a>"],"unlinked":["satire<\/span>"]}},"comment_count":"0","relative_dates":{"created":"Posted 2 years ago","modified":"Updated 1 year ago"},"absolute_dates":{"created":"Posted on 12 February 2025","modified":"Updated on 16 June 2025"},"absolute_dates_time":{"created":"Posted on 12 February 2025 22:43","modified":"Updated on 16 June 2025 22:44"},"featured_img_caption":"","series_order":"","amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5575","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/49"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5575"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5575\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5582,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5575\/revisions\/5582"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5577"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5575"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5575"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5575"},{"taxonomy":"wf_post_folders","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/wf_post_folders?post=5575"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}