{"id":4872,"date":"2024-11-06T12:20:26","date_gmt":"2024-11-06T12:20:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/press\/?p=4872"},"modified":"2024-12-05T12:33:00","modified_gmt":"2024-12-05T12:33:00","slug":"an-open-letter-from-your-spotify","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/satire\/2024\/11\/06\/an-open-letter-from-your-spotify\/","title":{"rendered":"An open letter from your Spotify"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear User,<\/span><\/p>\n

Hey girl, it\u2019s me again. Your trusty music sidekick. That\u2019s right, it\u2019s Spotify. Don\u2019t act like you don\u2019t know who I am — we spend upwards of two hours a day together. And when you went through that situationship breakup back in March, it was more like eight (I mean seriously, would it kill you to try something other than Phoebe Bridgers?).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m just popping up for a reminder as it draws closer to Spotify Wrapped season. I get really busy around this time of year, but don\u2019t worry, you\u2019re always my first priority. You\u2019re secretly my favorite customer, but don\u2019t tell anyone else that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This year I am BEGGING you to consider what your music data is gonna look like. You don\u2019t want to embarrass yourself like this. Frankly, it\u2019s humiliating for me to just be associated with the trainwreck that your Wrapped is shaping up to be. I\u2019m an anonymous, potentially computer generated algorithm, and I am feeling shame for the first time ever.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was bad enough that we started January with Christmas music. Sure, nostalgia is great. But buck up girlfriend, it\u2019s the new year. Then came the February and March blues. Jesus Christ, those were dark times. Taylor Swift for 16 hours straight?? Then there was April, which was when I read you to filth with the daylist titled \u201csad, single, loverless, crybaby girliepop volleyball rainbow sunday morning\u201d. Ah, good times.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After a brief interlude of May, we hit summer. Wait, actually go back to May. Because you ONLY listened to podcasts that month?!?! Wtf. Are you a psychopath? How do you numb your emotions without constant music? And the podcasts were all niche internet micro-celebrities talking about nothing. No educational content, not even a respectable serial killer miniseries thrown in there.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Then we hit summer. This is where things got really concerning. Because we had screamo, and then we had only Gregorian chanting for a few days. And the SHOWTUNES. Girl, I know we all secretly like theater. Heck, I even saw Six on the West End with my buddies Pandora and Youtube Music. But for the sake of your and my reputations you need to listen to those less.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This fall has been exclusively jazz. You\u2019re not fooling anyone. You don\u2019t listen to jazz. This is performative. Dare I say you\u2019re using this to make people think you\u2019re intellectual. But I see those secret late night forays into pop music. Live your truth. Pop music is popular for a reason.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

You have the power to change this. I implore you to make a difference. I\u2019m sorry that it came to this, but it was time for some tough love. You have a month to do something. I\u2019m still your number one fan, but I\u2019m worried we\u2019ll have to have a serious chat if you don\u2019t make some big changes in the coming weeks.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I know that this letter might offend you, but can we at least both agree that at the end of the day I\u2019m not Apple Music. So I\u2019ll do anything to make you stay. Please, girl. Anything. Well, besides firing Joe Rogan or paying musicians anything more than crumbs on the dollar to stream. Anything other than those two things (or making the interface easier, or being transparent about our business practices).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

All my love xx<\/span><\/p>\n

Spotify\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear User, Hey girl, it\u2019s me again. Your trusty music sidekick. That\u2019s right, it\u2019s Spotify. Don\u2019t act like you don\u2019t know who I am — we spend upwards of two hours a day together. And when you went through that situationship breakup back in March, it was more like eight (I mean seriously, would it […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":43,"featured_media":4875,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"advgb_blocks_editor_width":"","advgb_blocks_columns_visual_guide":"","tdm_status":"","tdm_grid_status":"","iawp_total_views":11,"footnotes":""},"categories":[85],"tags":[881,425,880,877,287,878,879,875,876,697],"wf_post_folders":[228],"class_list":{"0":"post-4872","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-satire","8":"tag-apple-music","9":"tag-christmas","10":"tag-gregorian-chanting","11":"tag-jazz","12":"tag-music","13":"tag-podcasts","14":"tag-screamo","15":"tag-spotify","16":"tag-spotify-wrapped","17":"tag-taylor-swift"},"acf":[],"author_meta":{"display_name":"Maggie Johnson","author_link":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/author\/maggiejohnson\/"},"featured_img":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/12\/Photo-Credit_-ASPhotohrapy-300x200.jpg","coauthors":[],"tax_additional":{"categories":{"linked":["Satire<\/a>"],"unlinked":["Satire<\/span>"]},"tags":{"linked":["Apple Music<\/a>","Christmas<\/a>","Gregorian Chanting<\/a>","Jazz<\/a>","Music<\/a>","Podcasts<\/a>","Screamo<\/a>","Spotify<\/a>","Spotify Wrapped<\/a>","Taylor swift<\/a>"],"unlinked":["Apple Music<\/span>","Christmas<\/span>","Gregorian Chanting<\/span>","Jazz<\/span>","Music<\/span>","Podcasts<\/span>","Screamo<\/span>","Spotify<\/span>","Spotify Wrapped<\/span>","Taylor swift<\/span>"]}},"comment_count":"0","relative_dates":{"created":"Posted 2 years ago","modified":"Updated 2 years ago"},"absolute_dates":{"created":"Posted on 6 November 2024","modified":"Updated on 5 December 2024"},"absolute_dates_time":{"created":"Posted on 6 November 2024 12:20","modified":"Updated on 5 December 2024 12:33"},"featured_img_caption":"A tablet with Spotify on screen. Credit: ASPhotography.","series_order":"","amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4872","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/43"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4872"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4872\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4878,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4872\/revisions\/4878"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4875"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4872"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4872"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4872"},{"taxonomy":"wf_post_folders","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/wf_post_folders?post=4872"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}