I don\u2019t know about you, but for me, November is always a rubbish month. As the weather gets cold and the days get dark, I\u2019m still stuck in October trying to get to grips with the clocks changing. November is just miserable \u2013 and it\u2019s this time of year that I start analysing the year that\u2019s gone by. If I\u2019m honest, I\u2019ve had a rubbish year.<\/p>\n
It might seem odd for me to say that I\u2019m happy to have had my heart broken \u2013 and let me clarify, I\u2019m definitely not happy. When you lose someone you\u2019re sure is the one \u2013 and it\u2019s not your choice, nor what you want \u2013 it hurts. And I mean it really hurts.<\/p>\n
It might seem odd for me to say I\u2019m happy to have my heart broken \u2013 and let me clarify, I\u2019m definitely not happy.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Losing someone you love has been compared to the grief cycle, and I think that\u2019s the perfect way to look at breakups.<\/p>\n
The first stage is shock and denial. For me, it was like a rabbit in headlights vibe. I spent many hours crying on the first day. My body dealt with it by initially tensing, heart racing, mind scrambled. Then afterwards, I was angry (which is the second stage of grief!) and also, I felt numb. Like everything had changed and yet I felt nothing. You\u2019re angry at them and you\u2019re angry at yourself. I realise now, this is a totally normal defence mechanism.<\/p>\n
Then depression and detachment hit. Stage three. Everything hurts, and you can\u2019t deny reality any more. Suddenly everyone on Instagram is getting married, engaged, or in love; every post feels like a punch in the gut. You start asking who you are without them.<\/p>\n
For me, this stage took about a month. It hit me on one of the \u2018firsts\u2019 \u2013 when I had to do something that was meant for us. Going to one of my closest friend\u2019s weddings near Krak\u00f3w, Poland.<\/p>\n
That day was full of complicated emotions. I cried as my gorgeous friend strode down the aisle. I cried because a girl I\u2019d known since I was 16 was about to get married, and she looked like a princess \u2013 and selfishly, I cried because I realised that this wedding was a fairytale. And my love was a fairytale. And yet it was gone. I had spent a month in shock, unable to fight for what I needed.<\/p>\n
This is the hardest stage because sadly, you just have to feel pain. It\u2019s not linear, and I certainly still feel like I\u2019m still in this stage at times, but I have learned that the healthiest way to deal with hurt is to feel it in all its uncomfortable glory \u2013 future you will thank you.<\/p>\n
The next stage is bargaining. For me, this stage I look back on and think: did I really spend my time begging?
\n<\/em><\/p>\n…did I really spend my time begging?<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
This was \u2013 and is \u2013 the hardest part. It was about more than trying to salvage the relationship \u2013 it was about trying to stop the pain, and I spent a lot of time doing it. Looking back, of course, I know my time was wasted.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re at stage four, it\u2019s normal to want what you had back. When I convince myself to text him, I try to imagine I am talking to a friend. Ask yourself, \u201cWhat would I tell my friend?\u201d I\u2019m sure you wouldn\u2019t tell them to send a text.<\/p>\n
Sure, I\u2019m not personally convinced (yet) that he\u2019s not my Prince Charming, but one day I\u2019ll get to stage five, acceptance. I\u2019ve already given up on a one-way conversation. I\u2019ll get to the stage where I can return to some form of meaningful life. If you, the reader, are struggling with heartache, you too will get back to \u2018normal.\u2019<\/p>\n
You\u2019re probably thinking this all sounds horrible, and she said she is glad?!<\/em> I admit it\u2019s confusing. The thing is, breakups don\u2019t come from nowhere. You might not realise it, but bit by bit something infects the relationship until its foundations crumble.<\/p>\n
Now this is where the positives come in. I\u2019m not saying I was totally to blame in this breakup, because that isn\u2019t how partnerships work. You see, I\u2019m independent, which isn\u2019t a bad thing, but when it comes to telling people \u2013 or realising \u2013 that you\u2019re struggling with your mental health, this is where things get rough.<\/p>\n
What I really want to thank you for is breaking my heart…<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
So to my ex, I want to say thank you. Thank you for two and a half of the best years of my life (though you heard all that in the dialogue and bargaining stage). What I really want to thank you for is breaking my heart; that is when I realised that I had needed therapy for a long time.<\/p>\n
Over the past six months, I\u2019ve been on a journey, and I couldn\u2019t have done it without having my heart broken. Since the breakup, I\u2019ve taken time out of uni to focus on my mental health. I have accessed the University\u2019s counselling service and have worked on myself. Learning how I process tough situations has taught me about myself, and that being resilient is not a personality trait, but an evolving process.<\/p>\n
I have started to create boundaries. I\u2019ve learned to say no, and I\u2019ve learned that self-advocacy isn\u2019t selfish. Sure, I still do far too much (have you seen how many articles I have in this edition?), but I am trying to slow down because burnout is not fun. I\u2019ve almost finished a ten-week course of counselling at ACIS, with Mental Health Aberdeen, and truly, I am on my way to a healthier, happier life.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m now a plant lover, I exercise regularly, read every day, and try my best to eat clean. My future might not be what I had envisioned \u2013 or what I wanted \u2013 but I am truly grateful to have had my heart broken, because otherwise, I would never have started to love and respect myself in ways that I deserve.<\/p>\n
Amongst my journey, I still think about my relationship, but with therapy, I realise that I am worth loving, and that you shouldn\u2019t have to ask for love.<\/p>\n
Everything in life is an opportunity.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
My message to you, the reader, is simple and a tad clich\u00e9. Everything in life is an opportunity. So when life knocks you down, get back up, dust yourself down, and face the world with your head held high. Listen to music that makes you happy \u2013 and sad. Feel what you need to feel; be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, and remember \u2013 when you learn to love yourself, you create space for others to love you in the way you deserve.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I don\u2019t know about you, but for me, November is always a rubbish month. As the weather gets cold and the days get dark, I\u2019m still stuck in October trying to get to grips with the clocks changing. November is just miserable \u2013 and it\u2019s this time of year that I start analysing the year […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":37,"featured_media":4455,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"advgb_blocks_editor_width":"","advgb_blocks_columns_visual_guide":"","tdm_status":"","tdm_grid_status":"","iawp_total_views":6,"footnotes":""},"categories":[84],"tags":[340,339,188,341,342],"wf_post_folders":[337],"class_list":{"0":"post-4452","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-opine","8":"tag-breakup","9":"tag-heartbreak","10":"tag-kirsten-koss","11":"tag-love","12":"tag-relationships"},"acf":[],"author_meta":{"display_name":"Kirsten Koss","author_link":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/author\/kirsten-koss\/"},"featured_img":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/12\/Polina-Zimmerman-via-Pexels-200x300.jpeg","coauthors":[],"tax_additional":{"categories":{"linked":["Opine<\/a>"],"unlinked":["Opine<\/span>"]},"tags":{"linked":["Breakup<\/a>","Heartbreak<\/a>","Kirsten Koss<\/a>","Love<\/a>","Relationships<\/a>"],"unlinked":["Breakup<\/span>","Heartbreak<\/span>","Kirsten Koss<\/span>","Love<\/span>","Relationships<\/span>"]}},"comment_count":"0","relative_dates":{"created":"Posted 2 years ago","modified":"Updated 2 years ago"},"absolute_dates":{"created":"Posted on 4 December 2024","modified":"Updated on 4 December 2024"},"absolute_dates_time":{"created":"Posted on 4 December 2024 02:17","modified":"Updated on 4 December 2024 02:17"},"featured_img_caption":"Photograph: Polina-Zimmerman-via-Pexels","series_order":"","amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4452","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/37"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4452"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4452\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4456,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4452\/revisions\/4456"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4455"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4452"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4452"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4452"},{"taxonomy":"wf_post_folders","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gaudie.co.uk\/wpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/wf_post_folders?post=4452"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}