by Khreshnee Thayabaran
Word has been released that Beyonce, our actual queen, (King Charles is a dud- you heard it here first folks) is gatekeeping time travel and has done so for a long time. Not only this but she is also an active member of the Illuminati alongside her husband Jay Z. There has been a discovery made by the several million recording devices dotted around her general vicinity that the famous depiction of Napoleon Bonaparte crossing the Alp borders was indeed doctored. Beyonce was heard boasting, rather loudly in my humble opinion, that she travelled back in time to seduce and capture Napoleon as another power ploy, thus leading Bonaparte’s army across the borders herself. Although come to think of it, it is easy to believe Beyonce could be Napoleon. They never were in the same room at the same time. I digress. The pursuit of military power, Beyonce claims, was in fact only for the lore it offered towards her album cover “Cowboy Carter”. The whole riding mule imagery had to come from somewhere, I guess. Sidenote, thank you so much Beyonce for that album, it was revolutionary and cured me better than any antidepressants ever did.
In a world so very mundane, Beyonce remains a beacon of sublime musical power. However, one of the reasons as to why she towers amongst us measly peasants (we really owe her everything, we exist because of her) is because of her high ranked position in the Illuminati society. Proponents of this very true fact refers to her music videos, mainly Formation. The catchy beat of this song is not to lure you into a musical creation but in fact is a recruitment anthem. Once you catch yourself bopping your head alongside this tune, you’re in too far. It is an unsaid initiation trial and in fact is the Illuminati playing their tricks to achieve world domination one booty pop at a time. Jay Z, alongside Beyonce, is also part of this cultish world, cleverly deduced by yours truly through his signature hand sign- putting it up in a triangle formation. A coincidence? I think not! What’s curious is the name of Beyonce’s fandom. The Beyhive. It is painfully clear that her fans are the hive mind- they are all one.
They stand by like a glamorised SWAT team, ready to shoot down anyone who dares speak against Beyonce.
This is quite unknown, but the Beyhive always goes undercover at any award ceremony Beyonce is at. Any celebrity who dares accept a prize for their hard work and dedication without so much as referring to Beyonce will immediately be struck down. Kanye West interrupted Taylor for a reason, he was saving her life. A caring and noble man. Adele’s Grammy in pieces? It is clear she was sharing her well-earned award with Queen B; she is nothing without her. I just wanted to add to this point, Beyonce thank you for being part of the Illuminati, I was always unsure about what I wanted to do after my degree but now I know. I am forever in debt.
Finally, with Spotify wrapped rapidly approaching we must all pray that Beyonce is at the top of it. Imagine if, God forbid, Solange rates above her sister. That is a fate for her I don’t even want to conceptualise. It would unsettle the balance of the world as we know it. One can even go as far to say that it would not be unlike the time the Roman Empire fell, chaos and terror would most likely ensue. Never skip her songs on Spotify I’d say, if you find yourself accidentally pressing that button, (if you can afford Spotify premium that is, I can’t- I save my skips) immediately go back. Maybe profusely apologising under your breath would deter the hive mind- do everything you can so she is at the top.
Now say it with me all, we thank you Beyonce, we worship you Beyonce, everything in life is for you Beyonce!
