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  • Writer's pictureSatire

Virtual Fresher’s Week "up to our usual standards" - AUSA

by Wagril Slane

Fresher's Week in full swing (image by Jez Arnold via Flickr)

Aberdeen University Students’ Association is congratulating itself on its pandemic-prompted 100% online Fresher’s Week which “saved us a bloody fortune” according to Sabbatical President Ophelia Horseback.

Virtual events included watching President Cashback eating pizza, a silent disco with a twist - no DJs or participants - and workshops in how to be completely invisible and make £70,000, run by Chief Executive Morag Patacake.

"A first we considered setting up an outdoor arena on King's Lawn," Ms Setback continued. "One of those huge inflatable cinema screens, properly distanced picnic tables, live bands, a big barbecue - the sort of thing some other universities had this week. But then we thought, 'Nah'".

Other online events included a reverse auction by Bear Essentials where participants competed to buy a small notebook and packet of sweets for less than a year's SAAS, a virtual dressing-up game to make a wearable outfit from clothes that have been hanging in the Swap Shop for several years, and a marathon radiothon by ASR with - just as when it broadcasts through the building - the volume a bit too low to hear anything.

The Gaudie attempted to gather opinions on the novel programme from some of this year's Freshers, but as we went to press all 5,000 of them had been locked in Wavell House by Head of Peaceful Student Relations Mr Angry Duckworth, where a 14-day kitchen party was commencing.

"Coronavirus couldn't have come at a better time for us," continued Ms Welcomeback. "Virtual Fresher's Week has cost us practically nothing, and those teambuilding exercises in hot places for Sabbatical Officers to 'find ourselves' don't come cheap. If it hadn't been for this timely virus, we would have had to have cut even more from The Gaudie's generous grant of £0.00 to pay for it all".

"Virtual Fresher's’ proves once again we are the most feckless, I mean fantastic, student's union in Aberdeen, or certainly within the top three," gushed the President. "And best of all there'll be no sarky articles in your rotten newspaper this year about how much the tent cost to hire. I just hope no-one has friends at other universities, or their internet is off, or something".

Professor Eilyke Maarps of the Department of Geography applauded the new virtual arrangements. "Now instead of having to crawl into Union Brew each morning when it opens I can enjoy a bottle of Mozza's own-brand vodka from the comfort of my own home, while watching the usual vacant plastic benches, depressing bare walls and tumbleweed via the internet. Thus saving a great deal of money while maintaining my increasingly tenuous connection with Aberdeen University. Cheers!"

"It's a big Covid-tastic success for AUSA," beamed Ms Stickleback, "and shows why students are queuing up to stand for election to the Sabbatical team. Meaning there is definitely no need for any of us to stay in post for a second year, shuffling some of our job titles around, hoping no-one will notice."


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