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  • Writer's pictureSatire

Vegan proteins to impress your lesbian now-ex with

I'm so sorry Martha I promise I can change

[All opinions expressed in the Satire section are written primarily for the sake of comic value and therefore do not necessarily represent the honest views held by the author, The Gaudie, AUSA or any company which advertises with the Gaudie.]

by Lilidh Jack and Warel Pilmering

images courtesy of Suresh/R and Championship Catering via Flickr

collage by Parel Wilmering

My vegan lesbian ex-lover Martha may have left me for a Gray’s art student with a shaved head, but hopefully these 24 vegan proteins (rated from worst to best) will impress her so much she’ll forget all about her new girlfriend’s strong, art school hands.

Broadly speaking, vegan proteins fall into three main categories: mycoproteins, soy, and pulses. Myco- means ‘comes from mushrooms,’ and ‘soy’ is Spanish for ‘I am,’ meaning it’s made out of René “I think therefore I am” Descartes. Little known Philosophy fact, but René Descartes was actually 10 stories tall, and donated his body to vegans once he died. Once we finish eating him we’ll probably go back to tofu or something.

24. Tuna.

23. Avocado

Avocado comes from the Nahuatl word ahuácatl meaning testicle. Tasty!

22. Pistachios

I’m a lesbian and I haven’t been able to open a pistachio myself in years due to lack of fingernails. Luckily I’m butch so I’m constantly carrying a screwdriver. Being in your early 20s is all about giving yourself problems, and then solving them.

21. Soy mince & soy chunks

Both soy chunks and soy mince allow me to recreate the boring white people food I grew up on with alarming accuracy. Shepards pie anyone?

20. Baked beans

Let’s not be too posh. She took all my money in the divorce.

19. Hazelnuts

Nutella counts right? Nutella pancakes were Martha’s favourite.

18. Gram flour

Listen, gram flour is how you make pakora. And pakora makes vegetables taste good. And if vegetables taste good, Martha will love me again.

17. Edamame beans

Edamame beans are soybeans that never got to grow up. I like to consider my own being-an-orphan while I chow down.

16. Vegan Haggis

Good to impress Erasmus lesbians with! You can have a cute little Scottish culture night and teach her all about whisky. For example: some taste more like paint and some taste like wood, or whatever.

15. Peas

Voluminous, rambunctious, leguminous peas.

14. Tofu

You know you can smoke that shit? Whack. Smoked tofu is one of the vegans’ best hidden secrets. People think tofu is shit because they don’t prepare it, and they’re used to eating bland, unseasoned chicken. I hate this country.

13. Chickpeas

You can use aquafaba (the chickpea water) to make vegan meringue! I’ve never tried it and it sounds terrifying but give it a go, I guess.

Chickpea flour can be used to make a vegan tortilla de patatas. Then again, before Martha I dated a Spanish girl for a while who kept making fun of my veganism, and this may have been the reason why.

12. Hummus

The peanut butter of chickpeas.

11. Lentils

Remember that tweet about the toddler in the zero waste shop who yelled “LENTILS!” and pulled down the lentil silo crank? This toddler knows what’s up. There’s also more protein in a serving of dhal than in a serving of steak.

10. Cashews

You know you can make cheese out of those bad boys? Like a parmesan or a cheese sauce or a brie? Whack.

9. Pine Nuts

Obama called pine nuts his favourite snack! He also bombed children so don’t read too much into that.

You can get pine nuts for cheap by buying a bag of cashews, and while you’re in the nut aisle, putting a bag of pine nuts in your coat pocket.

8. Soy Knots

To ‘knot’ is furry slang for something sexual, I’m not sure. I had a furry mate once and he started yelling at my partner and I kicked him out and he shat himself. I let him back in and gave him some pants, and then he started yelling at us again. I haven’t spoken to him since. Anyway, soy knots are the skin that forms when you make tofu, cut up and tied into a knot. They’re a favourite in soups and hotpots in China, and are great lightly fried with some laoganma. I don’t want my pants back.

7. Peanut butter

The hummus of peanuts.

6. Falafel

Every time I have falafel I make the joke: “I’m not that fond of Lebanese food. After I’ve had it I always feel-a’ful.” No one laughs but that’s showbiz, baby. God, is she funnier than me, Martha?

5. Vegan Meatballs

Try making your own by finding a recipe, and then doing that.

4. Linda McCartney Sausages

Ties ‘best thing Linda McCartney ever did’ with ‘divorcing Paul McCartney.’

3. Tempeh

Tempeh is soy beans, fermented in their own juice, pressed into a block. It’s like what high school does to teenage boys, if teenage boys were soy beans.

2. Seitan

Not Satan, but seitan. I hear Satan’s tasty too, though (although not vegan).

1. P***y

I’m a lesbian and [REDACTED]. Not sure it’s vegan but usually organic. I miss you, Martha.


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