• The Gaudie

University of Aberdeen Top of the Table

Aberdeen is celebrating its first place in a newly published university league table.


by Wagril Slane

The annual National University List In Alphabetical Order (NULIAO) has placed the institution right at the top despite the usual stiff competition from Aberystwyth University in Wales.


The university’s Head of Bragging Mr Silas Smugg told The Gaudie “This is a fantastic achievement and vilifies the hard work done by our wonderful academic staff in keeping us at the beginning of the alphabet despite their new zero hours contracts and what we like to call ‘virtual pensions’."


He continued: “To celebrate we will be making another drone video of our beautiful campus carefully omitting the Macrobert Building, with stock footage of students throwing mortar boards in the air. This will be played continuously on our eco-friendly 25-screen video display. We will also be hanging another huge plastic banner on the side of the Arts Lecture Theatre where only people who already study here can see it.”


Aberdeen has always done well in this long-established list: Bishop Elphinstone himself celebrated our first top placing in 1495 by hanging a smug parchment scroll next to the amusing sign about how students get fined two shillings and sixpence for walking on the grass that everyone takes a photo of in Fresher's Week.


Mr Smugg continued, “We hope our NULIAO achievement will put an end to stories in the student newspaper suggesting the university only publicizes league tables we do well in.”


However, The Gaudie have discovered that this year’s result only came after a failed appeal for first place by Aberystwyth, who argued that the letter ‘Y’ is a vowel in Welsh and should, "according to ancient Celtic linguistic laws we have recently made up, be placed just ahead of D in the alphabet". They also lobbied the list’s compilers that they have everything Aberdeen does; including no cultural life, a freezing beach full of bastard seagulls and a strangely low number of UCAS first choices.


This particular table is not highly regarded by every institution though. The University of Yeovil told The Gaudie “The NULIAO table can bugger right off”.


STOP PRESS:


NULIAO have announced Aberdeen have been relegated to second place following the surprise renaming of RGU to Aardvark University. "RGU has much in common with the aardvark," said a spokesperson. "No-one really knows why aardvarks evolved, everyone laughs when they hear the word, and due to the smell, sensible people keep well away. But mainly the change is to piss off you posh league table-obsessed twerps."


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