• Gaudie Satire

University Corruption Rankings: University of Aberdeen makes top 10 in the UK

Vice-Chancellor praises “significant team effort” of Senior Management Team and promises huge banner outside the Arts Lecture Theatre


by James Corbyn


photo courtesy of Malwina Filipczuk, edited by Parel Wilmering


The University of Aberdeen (UoA) has become the top Scottish university for corruption in the Grauniad’s University Corruption Rankings.


UoA is closely followed in the rankings by the University of Stirling and the University of Bath.


The Grauniad’s ranking considers different factors for rating Universities. These include dodgy payoffs, mysterious sackings, hidden university reports which aren’t given to the student newspaper and falsified reports into scenarios such as student occupations.


Speaking exclusively to the Gaudie, head of the Grauniad’s corruption rankings, Harold Profumo, said: “We’ve been keeping an eye on the University of Aberdeen for a long time but over the past few years they’ve surpassed all expectations.


“As the judging committee, we were hugely impressed by the way the University not only paid off its former Principal, Prof Sir Ian Sapphire, to take the money and run after it was decided he wasn’t bringing in enough money. Then they tried to cover up why they got rid of him by “losing” the minutes of Remuneration Committee meetings.


“That’s without even mentioning that certain members of the Remuneration Committee were… I mean, sorry, were definitely not involved in tax-avoiding companies.”


Profumo went on to clarify that the person who was “definitely not” on the boards of tax-avoiding companies was “definitely not in asset management”.


Other factors believed to have helped the University reach the top position are the Head of Estates, Dangus Onaldson’s rugby tackling skills, which lead to another triumph in terms of falsifying an investigation into a student occupation.


The Vice-Chancellor of the University, Beorge Goyne, said: “This goes to show how much we can achieve when we give Senior Management the power to do what they need to do, because they are the experts, and they deserve our praise.


“After all, you can’t expect staff and students to know about this stuff or have the time to read up on it, especially after the increase in hours and fixed-term contracts.”


Goyne also praised his predecessor, Prof Sir Ian Sapphire for the “highly original” method of getting paid hundreds of thousands of pounds for no work whatsoever. “He’s my role model”, admitted the Vice-Chancellor while stroking his full head of hair.


No one from AUSA was immediately available to comment.

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