• Gaudie Satire

Tory MP: "I might be scum, but that doesn’t mean you can call me that"

Updated: Nov 25, 2021

Inspired by recent revelations about the finances of ministers in Parliament, the Tories have had enough of people thinking that £82,000 is enough to survive in today’s Britain.


By Ruairidh Macdonald


"Owen Paterson MP with Joe & Sephs Gourmet Popcorn"by UKTI [closed account] is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0


Earlier this week, an anonymous Conservative minister approached The Gaudie and wanted to set the record straight on this “so-called” sleaze row and the political situation. Parliament has been in turmoil for a few days after it transpired that former Shropshire North MP Owen Patterson had taken money as a consultant for two firms whose interests were lobbied for by Mr Patterson. While it can be argued that one of his lobbying efforts was in the greater interest, a commissioner found this to be one against many that would have primarily served the benefactors of Owen Paterson, specifically Randox.


Speaking to us from one of the most inconspicuous places in all the United Kingdom, a Pizza Express in Woking, the Tory MP began to explain how the public has it all wrong. “They don’t understand how hard it is to be a minister in Parliament, having to attend meetings, either cheer or boo like a pantomime at anything Big Bird Johnson or Diet Tory Starmer say as well as pretend to care about your constituents’ issues” they launched into barely a minute after starting the conservation.


“However, the big issue is how the public expect us to survive on a measly £82,000 a year” they said, in their Burberry trench coat and Barbour flat cap. “Owen Paterson”, seen above at a food and drink trade show looking for extra work, “had the right idea before everyone came and ruined it”.


The MP wrapped up their apologising for Paterson’s breach of ministerial code, a fad becoming all too popular nowadays, and continued onto a discussion of Angela Raynor, the deputy Labour leader and her comments calling Tory ministers “scum” for the deaths caused by austerity, the poor handling of the coronavirus pandemic and Boris Johnson’s repeatedly unapologetic sexist, racist and homophobic remarks.


“Of course we are! But that doesn’t mean you can call us that, it’s very mean. Took me so long to recover from that” before complaining that the left were snowflakes that couldn’t take criticism and needed safe spaces all the time, a very poignant remark to end the interview on before saying they had to go as their pal Andrew had just arrived, not sure if that was a codeword or not but the call ended quickly after.