• Gaudie Satire

The Plight of The Student

Security at ATIK seen here preparing their

vaccine checkpoint for Welcome Week


By Marcus Wadland


"German Mentors Help Strengthen Afghan National Police Checkpoint"by ResoluteSupportMedia is licensed under CC BY 2.0


Throughout the last year, swaths of students across the county were imprisoned in their extortionate shoe boxes, or “halls” as the University likes to refer to them, for months on end. Locked up without trial and sent to the local gulag called Hillhead, their enduring sentence seemingly everlasting as the constant threat of severe reprisal from the camp guards loomed. In some cases, such as the ones seen in Manchester, students sought to emulate Inspector Javert in an outright rebellion to tear down the barricades set up outside their accommodation. Sadly, this attempted coup d’état was quickly quashed much like Hong Kong’s plea for democracy.

Fortunately, times have changed, the Berlin Wall has fallen and thankfully we can now go about our daily business as normal. However, the omnipresent eye of Big Brother continues loom within the Track and Trace system. Sadly, the dream of a student utopia is not yet here, as in recent weeks, the rate of new coronavirus infections has been rising at a worrying rate, supposedly because of reopening the schools. Thus, comrade Nicola has decided to channel her best impression of an East German border guard. To help quell the spread of the virus, it has recently been announced that students will have to “show them your papers” as it were, specifically in the form of a vaccine passport to gain entry into a nightclub. Now, if this prevents the closure of further hospitality and allows society to function in a vaguely normal manner then I’m all for it. However, I fear this attempt to stop the spread of COVID among students may be as futile as the attempt to stop the spread of fresher’s flu and other diseases during welcome week!


Hillhead "security" seen below, on their way to make sure no students leave their cells...

wait no, rooms!

Photo by ev on Unsplash


However, there may still be hope in the form of local raver The Right Honourable Michael Gove. He will no doubt be at hand to save the day, as cutting shapes in Aberdeen nightclubs will undoubtedly deter local club goers, as they are sure to question the sanity of such a perilous decision, much like Brexit. So, if at the end of the day all is lost, we can definitely all head to Govey’s for a messy afters and the taxi’s on him!